Monthly Archives: April 2011

Here and there

The aim was to post to this site twice a week, but because of work, restrictions in my personal life and general busy-ness, I’m going to aim for once a week. I figure you all won’t mind.

Shame and guilt

The past few months I’ve been very proud about taming the applicability of guilt and shame in my life. However, last week that monster came back with a vengeance.   A friend’s blog (Bigger Love) helped provide some perspective.

While my guilt last week has less to do with my fantasies, I know my fantasies have plays into the guilt that I impose on myself. I remember soon after learning of a friend’s childhood abuse, I felt shame for reading erotica that dealt with age play or anything non-consensual. That’s the empath in me …and it stopped any desire I had to have any Daddy-girl play.

Imposing that guilt on myself for the suffering she endured felt like the right thing to do at the time. But it wasn’t.  It wasn’t allowing me the healthy playful sex life I wanted. One in which I could play the little girl drawn into a tawdry relationship with “daddy” that is both consensual and grown-up without having to play the grown-up. That sex life became one in which the little slut wasn’t celebrated but demonized as being representative of a very real trauma millions of people have endured

Like I.said. I got perspective…but I’m not entirely rid of the guilt yet.

Boundaries

At some point I’ll talk more about why I feel called to a life as a sexual healer, a sacred prostitute, but it’s almost too close to talk about right now.  Today has seen me providing healing to more than a few people in my life today.  And while normally it is not a draining experience, I think because I’ve been feeling off for the past week or so, it does get to me a little more than it normally would.

Over the past few months I’ve been doing a much better job of enforcing boundaries.  One of the people I responded to today was someone who was literally seeking my skills and expertise as a sacred prostitute/healer. This is probably the first time that’s happened for me.  Normally, I’ve encountered people in my life and made an offer.  No strings attached.  No pressure…but a way for them to encounter themselves in a safe and supportive way.  But today it was someone asking whether I can provide that healing to them.  I’ll be honest, I was tempted.  Incredibly tempted to say, “Sure! I can help you.”  I stopped myself though.  While the ego blast was certainly nice to have, it wasn’t the right situation for me.  What this person needed was a little more…vanilla…than I’m able to provide. I didn’t trust my own ability to hold back the kind of intensity that I bring to a situation, much less a healing situation.  This situation just wasn’t right for that.  I was proud of holding tight to my boundaries.

Boundaries tend to serve both parties.  And today it helped this person find the resources and healers they need.  And today it helped me from spending more energy than I had and overcommitting myself.  Small victories.

Welcome to the online

I found my blogger account.  It’s amazing isn’t it?  And now that I’ve found it, I’ve decided to delete it.  When I started it, I was looking for a space other than LiveJournal to post my thoughts.  LiveJournal had become dangerous for me because it had been used to out to me to my work colleagues.  That in itself wouldn’t have been bad except for the fact that I had a job that depended on maintaining an austere, unassailable reputation.  And well, I was not as unassailable as I thought.  So I tried out a new home.  Found it to be not as accessible as I wanted it to be and have thus landed here in WordPress land.

So, here is the initial post from that Blogger attempt (March 2007). I called myself the Love Priestess…which is still a title that works for me and I may use it from time to time here.

Welcome back, Bella

You know, I’m not a fan of this space all that much. Blogspot used to be just a place I could read about sex, politics, sex, news, sex, parenting, sex, philosphy, relationships and oh yes, sex. It was a nice little place for me to be without causing too much of a ruckus.

Not so much anymore. There are people who look in on you from time to time, see if there’s anything they can use against you. See whether you’re perverted enough to post something real. See whether you’re sick enough to enjoy seeing a naked body now and then or even wrap your eyes around a tasty piece of erotica. And oh please, let’s not forget that they absolutely must know if you’ve ever had a dirty though to put into words. It’s dangerous.

So, I’ve decided that this space contains whatever it is it going to contain.

I’m a real live woman.
Latina.
Curvy.
Smart.
A mother. 
A lover of many.
A connosieur of the the deviant abundance out there.

Yes, I enjoy sex. So should you.
Yes, I have a brain that can analyze social and political problems.
Yes, I read and am captivated by the expression of self through words.

No, I’m not sick.
No, I’m not perverted.
No, I’m not here to corrupt your children…in fact, I don’t want your children anywhere near this space..

I’m just here. And I’m going to say what I’m going to say. And if that makes me dangerous…well, then that is a badge I will proudly wear.

Dangerous ideas.
Dangerous thoughts.
Dangerous lessons.
Dangerous actions.
Dangerous life.

A dangerous beauty.

A poly disclaimer

For the past few days I’ve been reading posts about polyamory.  For full disclosure, I do describe myself as polyamorous  (poly).  And I suppose I identify sooo much that people have accused me of being a poly advocate.  I would actually describe myself more as an advocate for healthy relationships.  No matter what form they take. I don’t necessarily advocate poly for everyone, but instead I use it as an example of a relationship structure that not only works for me but works fucking well for me.

And here is a quick summary of my relationships:  I am legally married to one man, let’s call him Husband and we have two marvelous children.  I am spiritually married to another man for the past 3 years, let’s call him Warrior, who is legally married to another woman (and she has another partner as well).  I date both women and men and those that identify in between.  So does Warrior.  Husband is only now starting to consider getting involved in other relationships.  Husband and I have been poly for 7 years this July, which is more years we’ve been poly than not (we’ve been together for 12 years).  So, yeah, poly is working quite well for me.

Over the past few weeks, I found myself getting hyper defensive of what I’ve been hearing about poly lately.  Maybe this is how the rest of the world feels when their relationship dynamic is under attack.  Except, you know…they’re the majority and still have power, control, rights and shit.  Most of the people making complaints about poly have been either those who are new to it or had a terrible experience with it.  Anyway, I thought this might be a good place to start a blog about relationships, sexuality, culture and where they all intersect in my life.

This is by no means a coherent or even competent defense of poly.  It’s just a reaction.  A knee-jerk reaction that wasn’t at all appropriate for the person who originally inspired this…but was something I needed to say after redefining over the past year the way in which I practice poly.  Again, I don’t advocate poly for everyone…but I do advocate conscious relationship building. Read the rest of this entry

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