Monthly Archives: May 2011

The beginning of our conversation

The past week has been challenging to say the least. Inspiring in some ways, truly horrifying in others.

As a parent, my sexual nature is often at odds not just with what society expects out of mothers, but with the nature of what we expect to pass along to our children. I mean many of us in this Christian nation of ours look for a Virgin Mary dressed like June Cleaver (is that reference too old for us now?). God knows the conservative, anti-feminist movement are doing their best to put forth this image that might as well be this. But it’s not just the rabid tea partyers, it’s our magazines, tv shows and media that glorify this image of the perfect mother.

I mean I think we all know there is no such thing. There is no such woman out there. We are as flawed as the next generation and instead of glorifying this image, continuing to perpetuate it in our national consciousness, maybe we should just focus on ridding ourselves of the ridiculous notions that are destined to repress, enslave and madden a new generation.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. But I will always maintain that my family is better off with me living a full and vibrant life than they are if I’m home everyday ready with fresh cookies and milk. My family is better off seeing what happiness looks like than wondering when the mask will crack next.

So that’s why I write here. I may not write about my sexual exploits or prowess (although I might) but I do write about sexuality. Every human has it, shares it with another at some point and has an expression of pleasure and love that is uniquely their own. So I write here because for something we all share we have a lot of fucked up attitudes about it. We think it’s wrong, it’s shameful, it’s dirty. And we spend a lot of time prying into others’ sex lives because we can’t manage to examine our own.

This is nothing new to those of you who know me personally. I’ve been saying this for ages. What is new is the message here will fight against the mainstream, will challenge our notions of society and sex, sometimes with personal example, sometimes with intellectual leaps of faith.
But if there is any legacy I want to leave my kids, my culture it is simply this…

There is nothing wrong with sex.

Say that to yourself out loud. How many of you will read this in your cubicle or your living room and only mouth the words silently to yourself? Are you looking around for adverse reactions? What is so novel about this statement? If youre reading this blog, you probably agree with the statement. But my mission, my calling, my vision for the world is to make statements like this less groundbreaking and more…normal. Make it easier to say and hear these statements.

There is nothing wrong with sex.

So tell me…what have you been told that is wrong with it….and let’s start there.

A Loose Woman Speaks

A Loose Woman Speaks

You know me. You always find me at the crossroads. Smoldering sweetness. Transient memory. Dark benevolence.

I have burned with you in the fires; I have resurrected you from the despair. I’ve held your hand in the depths of your darkness. I’ve given you light to lift you. I’ve been here each time you’ve prayed out loud or cried silently.

Sweet and bold. Powerful and quiet. I will never leave you, my Love.

Blissful and melancholy. Radiant and cursed.  Sensual and familiar. Rough and blessed. Vibrant and smooth. I embrace your duality and all the space in between.

Strike at the soul and be consumed within these flames.

Prevent the spread of STDs with a little personal integrity

I had a great question come to me today via Formspring and I though i should share my response:

Have you ever concealed an STD from a partner? Have you ever had a partner lie about their STD status? by TracyClarkFlory

my response:  I have never knowingly concealed an STD from a partner. And I do disclose the last date of my testing and any activity I’ve had where the risks have been unclear so they could make an informed decision.

I have had someone hide their STD status from me. Or at least try to. He had been booking a trip to see me when I found out by chance he had genital warts. He wouldn’t discuss it and didn’t seem interested in having a conversation with me about how I could best protect myself. Fortunately, I had enough indicators that he had issues with personal integrity that this didn’t come as a surprise to me and it made it easier to act on my gut feeling and tell him not to come see me.

I have had several partners give me full and open disclosure about their status and any potentially risky contact they’ve had with others. I can then assess my own risk and make an informed decision with the consent of my committed partners.

Integrity…there is just no substitute.

Wonder why we grow up to be ashamed of sex?

This article details some of the recent debate over a state website providing sexual health information to teens. Republicans, predictably are calling the site “disgusting” and “obscene” and are urging the Governor to take it down.

The problem with this stance of.course is the unseen psychological impact on teens. young adults and even parents. You will see me talk here about “slut shaming” here from time to time.  But before you can even get to the shame we bring upon those who practice and celebrate their sexuality, we have these instances where we are taught to be ashamed of even investigating on a very basic level our sexual health.  To even learn about.our bodies in any way is deemed shameful and disgusting.  To be able to explore topics of sexuality is somehow perverse and wrong.

Our society starts at a deficit when we deny access to basic human functions, including information about how the body receives and produces pleasure. To deny access and moreover, shame those who both seek to.access it and provide that information is a tragedy in our society. That is perverse and disgusting in and of itself. Completely irresponsible.  And the only way it will stop is if we stand up against it. However, the shaming has worked on us too…and to stand up for sexual rights puts an uncomfortable spotlight on us that not many of us are willing to bear…even including me.

Five years ago my original sexual blog was outed to professional colleagues and complete strangers. I was shamed and forced to leave my job.  I didn’t have the courage to stand up for my words…truthful words.  Words that mattered about who I am and what was important to me.  Shamed against telling my own truth.  I hid…behind various usernames and hid some of my tracks.  I lost my voice on the process as well. Worried about bringing further shame upon my family and worried about further stunting my career.  Too many of us are forced into feeling ashamed of our sexual selves. Hiding them behind closed doors, not sharing our truth with the world. And it starts with messages like the Republicans are sending here.

Our nation is far too damaged from our wars, our poverty, and our violent discourse to carry the weight of shame we place on individuals who investigate and celebrate healthy sexuality.  I can’t stand seeing this message played out in the minds and hearts of our next generation. Aren’t we damaged enough?

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