Monthly Archives: August 2011
NYT: No Surprise for Bisexual Men: http://mobile.nytimes.com/2011/08/23/health/23bisexual.xml
My poly husband is Bi. I think I’ve called him “Warrior” here before. Warrior = bi? You bet. I didn’t need a Northwestern study to validate this for me…but I think this information will prove useful when discussing sexual orientation with others.
He faced a lot of opposition from the gay community in his last state when he and wife got together. Fortunately here he hasn’t seen quite as many problems, but I get these questions now and then that seem to be rather ill-informed attempts to suggest he reads “more gay than straight”.
Actually that one came from one of his lovers. I don’t think of him that way. I don’t like thinking that somehow his wife and I are the exceptions to the rule and if he would just accept his true nature then he’d be fucking every man in town. I see that statement as wishful thinking on behalf of a gay community that would like a shot at him. But for these pesky rules and expectations and marriages that these women impose he could be fair game. Deny the fact he loves women and suddenly he seems more accessible.
Except that is not the case. He experiences his sexuality like he does most things in his life…in a rather focused, clear and direct way. He knows exactly what he wants, when he wants it. He isn’t afraid to look for it and frankly it takes him only moments to find it since people throw themselves at him on a daily basis (a subject for a post–doing poly with a sex object). For him it is not about some wishy-washy confusion over whether he is actually straight or gay. It’s not confusion at all. He likes women. He likes men. He likes to have both kinds of sex in his life. Period.
For the most part I don’t see him face much opposition here with me. And if he has, he hasn’t mentioned it. If someone can’t accept him as bi, then he simply won’t be visiting their bed. And when he hears about these snarky comments, he quietly jumps back with a consistent and thorough answer.
Fact is as we grow towards acceptance of gay relationships, we need to keep in mind that there is not a binary of orientation. You are not either gay or straight. It’s not an on or off switch, but as my other husband describes it, we are on a dimmer switch where both ends are just a different brilliance of light. None better or worse than the other. Some have it turned up to high and some prefer it a little lower. And once it is turned high or low there is no law stating that’s where it should stay forever and ever, amen. It’s going to shift, sometimes because variety is super awesome. And sometimes because needs change and evolve day to day or over longer periods of time.
And maybe I say that because I believe in sexual fluidity. Maybe I say that because a number of gay men, including strangers, have asked quietly to have alone, naked time with me. Some of them to heal from past experieces…others to fulfill nagging fantasies. None of this makes them less into cock than they were before. Their preference is still turned up to high, but stepping away from that for a few minutes can give them better perspective and information useful for their growth. It isn’t self-loathing as some might suggest, but exploring curiosities and ideas that might be harder to do with anyone less than me.
Sorry, my original point is that we shouldn’t need a study to tell us bisexuality is real, particularly for men. Bisexuals represent a unifying of the orientation duality that frankly makes those who consider themselves 100% gay or 100% straight nervous. There is no less than when our sexual realities are equal to each other.
Going home was a huge thing for me. And even though I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for the past few weeks/months/years, it was a weekend that held significance and gravity for me.
Some people have their fun making jokes about how small the town is (it’s really not) and how they think it’s not racially diverse (48% of Pueblo is Hispanic). It is also overwhelmingly Democratic and so the town cares about issues like gay rights, worker’s rights and equality, but like most cities has struggled to enact policies and laws that truly reflect these values and predictably the rest of its citizens still have a lot of catching up to do in their interpersonal dealings.
It is because of those values that I felt I needed to go home and attend Pride. The parade wasn’t long. Only 4 blocks. It wasn’t well attended…most of the people who want to be seen supporting gay pride were in the parade itself. But the fact that there was a pride parade at all, an afternoon festival, performances and an organization behind it all is remarkable in and of itself. Walking down the street in front of the building where my husband proposed to me, nearby my old workplace and close to my friends and family was significant. So much history. So much of myself there. Read the rest of this entry