My 40th Birthday & Honoring the Lessons of the Tower Card
I’m always flirting with the danger of being a little too stuck in the past. I revisit old lovers, I regularly journey wistfully in nostalgic reverie, I seek out connections to the past at any opportunity. I want to live in present and often do, but I like to revisit where I’ve been. It’s useful to gain some perspective, to reframe the thoughts I have about who I was. Ultimately, it gives me some insight and inspiration into where I want to go.
A few days ago I turned 40 years old. (Yay!) I was lucky enough to spend a full 48 hours on things that nourished my soul. A chakra massage, tarot readings from two different people, joyful celebration, quiet contemplation, a party, a blessing, a clearing, a purging of my darkness. See, the overwhelming message that came through to me (even with The Last Jedi) was how I needed to let go of the remnants of the past so that I can finally move forward to a place of deservingness and peace. I need to stop examining the past to piece together my shattered worthiness and instead needed to accept my own light, accept my new role and create a future of bright, shining energy.
This is my own personal Tower. This is the structure that has been holding up my life, created from memory, from experience, from learning, and above all from distortions about these. This structure of service without reward, of absorbing the darkness in others so that they might find their light has been such a primary source of identity for me. I’ve been resisting tearing that down, but it’s become so apparent to me that this is the last piece of “suffering” I must do in order to fully feel like I can move forward into the structure I’m building for myself.
The time has come for me to step into Who I Really Am.
The Origins of the Tower
Growth is accepting that not every structure in our life is meant to remain. We must either tear down the old, worn down Tower of self or a wrecking ball will come through and force us to rebuild.
Some of you have seen me talk about “tearing down my tower”. The Tower, a reference to tarot, is what I use to refer to those sacred institutions, behaviors, beliefs, reactions, etc that we use to process the outside world. Whether it be religion, sexuality, expectations in friendships, family values, politics, we each construct a Tower for ourselves, the structure for our home, our life, our relationships, our spirituality, our outlook on life.
The walls of our Towers are adorned with paintings of our grand achievements, statues of the important people in our lives, wall-to-wall libraries containing the knowledge we’ve accumulated along the way. Each is unique to our own self.
Our first Tower was built by our parents, caregivers, and others in authority when we were children. They were shaped for us so that we should be taught how to treat others, what to believe spiritually, what we find beautiful or loving, what priority learning should have in our lives. It provides us with shelter and protection.
What do you do when you find that your new Tower, your new home doesn’t quite fit? The shelves are too high, the ground is too cold…whatever (stick with my metaphor here). A lot of people move from place to place to try to find the right fit, trying to find that religion that works for them, trying to force themselves into conformity with whatever structure they chose. And more often than not, the pre-built, one-size-fits-all, fresh out of the box philosophy or religion or political stance comes close but still doesn’t fully serve your needs.
Why we have to Tear Down the Tower to move forward
This isn’t an easy process because even when you’re being thoughtful and methodical with examining our values and beliefs, someone comes at us with battering rams of knowledge and judgment knocking down walls or poking holes in the vulnerable areas of our belief systems. Even when we’re being careful, the world can still come by and knock our structure down. But what matters the most is how we choose to respond when that happens.
The Tower requires us to rebuild into something new
The Tower symbolizes an identity crisis. What was once safe about our beliefs, our outlook, and ourselves, is being challenged and called to be transformed into something stronger. And while that end result will no doubt be the most fabulous episode of Love It or List It ever, it is painful and scary to launch into the unknown. The risk of failure is equal to the risk of success and yet I hesitate, because if I move into this new structure, what will it say about me as a person? as a woman? as a mother? as a wife? as a teacher? as a lawyer? Who will I be if I live in a structure without darkness and punishment?
Posted on December 18, 2017, in Calling, Dark Goddess, Divine Feminine, Journal/Blogging, Spirituality, The Tower and tagged birthday, inspiration, lessons learned, Spirituality, The Tower, Transformation. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.