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Updating my old OKCupid profile

I’ve been using OKCupid since around 2005 maybe? It’s been the most Poly-friendly of dating apps for years. In fact, it’s responsible for bringing Warrior into my life (his ex-wife, my former girlfriend, met me from OKC).

My profile is as…thorough…as a profile can be. It’s got a ton of information in it. Enough for any prospective match to know what they’re getting themselves into. This profile has served me well over the years – I can usually judge matches based on how well they read my profile. But…like most things Janet, it says a LOT.

With all the changes they’ve been making recently, presumably for safety, as well as to keep up with the Tinder trend, I find myself updating a really old profile to fit with emerging times. While I disagree with the whole “real name” bandwagon (especially harmful to victims of abuse/stalking, members of marginalized communities and Poly/kinky members of conservative professions), if my name is going to be associated with this, I want to be more strategic in what I say.

I have used a variation of this profile since 2009. And while I have changed and grown as a person, my profile parameters have stayed the same.

Now, as I approach this task, feeling some internalized pressure to pare down what I say about myself, I have trouble letting go. My profile – my description of myself – is a statement of who I am, or at least who I believed myself to be, which is hard to let go of because it feels like saying goodbye to that woman.

So, to encourage me to start fresh on that profile, I’m preserving the original here so I don’t feel like I’m letting go of that past forever. But rather, I’m documenting the journey toward my new self instead. By putting this here, I allow myself to move on, to craft a new narrative of who I am and what experiences will feed my life in the months & years to come.

Saying goodbye to a wordier, more defensive version of myself, to make room for a better reflection of the power I bring to a connection and the path I want to be on today.

Enjoy the last remnants of the old me.

I was trying to pare down my profile to the essence and sadly I was unsuccessful. I admit, I’m not known my brevity, but I’m great at meaningful conversations, so maybe that makes up for it.

The most important thing to know is that I am happily and solidly polyamorous (couldn’t go back to monogamy if I tried). I have two primary partners (legal husband and Poly husband) and a girlfriend. I have two kids–teenagers–who make my life full and amazing. I give my family, including my chosen family, my all.

I am freedom loving, kinky, spiritual, a lover of laughter, liberal, expressive, way too serious, loving, passionate, vulnerable and confident although not usually all at once.

I love to experience that spark that happens between two people with great chemistry. Passion has been a defining part of my life, and it is a trait that is re-emerging after a long period of quiet reflection. I find passionate people, especially fellow geeks and politicos, especially attractive. Chemistry is found in the small moments, the crackle in the air during intense conversation or the overwhelming electricity of a touch or a smile. I just try to follow the connection and let it organically develop into whatever feels right.

I don’t respond well to pressure or uninformed expectations. I value honesty and openness. I tend to be find my deepest bravery and confidence in revealing my vulnerabilities and insecurities, and I’m trying to embrace the rewards of those risks. I celebrate small victories and learn from the crushing defeats; likewise, I tend to blow off small defeats and minimize large accomplishments.

I value thoughtful action, ethical behavior and compassionate communication. I love encountering the differences in one another that define our journeys. I recognize the inherent beauty and power of spirit. I try to be courageous every day and challenge myself to do what is right. I try to be ethical, approachable and understanding.

I embrace the term queer to describe my orientation. I am attracted to the whole person, inside and out, whether or not they conform to the gender standards or expressions others try to impose on them. But it’s not just gender…I love people who are equally fluid and open with their sexuality and therefore tend to gravitate toward bi (including curious, homo/hetero-flexible) or queer individuals. I consider myself a safe place for someone to explore and find acceptance for their sexual identity. However, I am not an experiment or a trainer for those new to their sexual exploration.

I crave sincerity in my relationships and reward that with my depth and passion. I am most strongly attracted to authenticity in all its manifestations. Most of all I enjoy being wanted for who I really am and am wary of surface level attraction.

I accept people, their interests, and their past experiences. I try to display the kind of openness I value. I am attracted to people who take personal risks in order to overcome their fears and past. I try to give people a safe place to be themselves without judgment or ridicule. But I’m not tolerant of deceit, manipulation or possessiveness.

I am trying to get back into finding and following connections again. After a very difficult few years where my family needed my full attention, I’m ready to start turning my attention to new people, new experiences. I’m ready for a renewal, a love for the life I want and have.

Intro: Origin Story Series

Part of a series of posts in which I revisit my past, look on my origin story with new eyes. Draw lessons, revisit fond memories. Could be any of the people, places or choices that have influenced me over the years and shaped me into who I am now. 

Nostalgia is fun. 

For the years that I’ve been attending conferences and giving presentations, I’ve been asked the same types of questions: How did you know you were poly? How did you become kinky? What made you realize you were bisexual?  Maybe it’s the geek in me, but I think we’re acculturated to crave origin stories. Adam & Eve. Batman Begins. We want to know where our heroes come from. We want to know their backstory. We’re dissatisfied as audiences if we lack context for the image in front of us. Sometimes, the more unattainable, the better.

It’s a way for us to keep ourselves detached from our dreams and ideals. A ready excuse for why we’re not exceptional. Why we’re never going to attain our dreams.  When I go back to my hometown, for example, I’m told “of course, you’re polyamorous. The rules don’t apply to you.” They don’t because I chose for them not to. The rules don’t apply to me because I took a chance on being authentic and making hard decisions for myself and defining my own rules. It didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t without its consequences, but I am not fundamentally special in this ability. If i can, you can. 

And so in this series, I’ll be talking about my own origin stories. Maybe it will be my Catholic upbringing. My calling. My bisexuality. My awareness of polyamory.  Maybe some of them will be short little statements or photos. Maybe some will be entire chapters of insight and story. Most of them biased by hindsight. All of them a true reflection of who I am. 

I look forward to sharing my stories with you. 

Suggestions for future topics?

New Categories (Blog Maintenance)

Going through and changing the categories of all these felt like a hopeless task since a) the blog has gone through a LOT of purposeful changes since I started it so many years ago and b) it was a little painful and embarrassing that I haven’t been more dedicated to the role of this blog.

But since my posts get broadcast to 1200+ people on Twitter at least, I figured it was time to get this rolling and start getting serious about what I want to discuss here. So for those that were keeping track here are some other changes:

  • Some posts that are more personal or meant for a smaller audience are being moved to the Private category
  • Sub-categories are a thing now
  • Manifesto posts have been transitioned to The Queen category – it’s not just about a plan of action for my life, it’s about stepping into the role I want to live in. Each of the sub-categories represents aspects of the Queen – other archetypes that are also a part of me.
  • I haven’t messed too much with content–yet. I’m a strong believer in preserving the past, no matter how embarrassing, but some posts need to be retooled.

It’s actually been eye opening to gain insight into my patterns of blogging. Giving me ideas for the future.

Introducing The Redheaded Slut

Just wanted to post a quick note about a new addition to the blogroll: The Redheaded Slut.  A friend of mine who also blogs about the personal, the sexual and the intersection with the mainstream.  A wonderful writer that I’m sure you will enjoy.


Advice vs. Living

Let’s face it, there’s a lot of bad advice out there on the internet. In fact, besides porn, the internet is almost custom-built for those who have a plethora of opinions.  To provide their egos with passive audience to ooh and ahh over their particular brand of advice and ideas.  And I’m finding it more and more within the “sex positive” community.  People who think they are providing good advice to the newly polyamorous or who have a set list of rules for those following a D/s lifestyle.  In fact, I’ve seen so many those sites that I just don’t want to list any examples.

And it’s not to say that I’m not guilty of thinking myself to be such a prolific example of poly, kinky sexuality that I should provide my advice whether solicited or not.  The fact is all I can do is share my story.  Share how I’ve arrived at the decisions I have during my journey.  In sharing my own shortcomings and mistakes, my triumphs and my personal declarations perhaps others might learn.  But I’m hoping more than anything others may be able to empathize and see their own situation from a different perspective.

At the start of 2012, I will be launching a complimentary blog called Love Priestess where I share more of the actual lessons I’ve learned through the years and provide some insight into how people might approach conflicts they encounter in their love lives.  I don’t have answers… and I don’t declare myself to be an expert.  But after 7+ years of polyamory and even more years of experience in kink, I can say I’ve lived and learned.  My opinions are informed from my own experiences, my own heritage, my own outlook on life.  Now that you’ve been warned…I hope you enjoy what I have to say in in these pages and in the ones to come.

Sharing the goodness

A long time ago when I first started blogging I used to follow someone who would make a daily post identifying the new things he was discovering out there on the internet.  He’d compile it all into one post and call it “Sharing the Goodness”.  Usually with some catchy, awesome title to draw in his (mostly female) readership.  I always loved that concept, sharing the things that interested us whether they be kinky, geeky, sexy, raunchy or just plain beautiful.  So here is my contribution to the Goodness for one day.  This may become a semi-regular feature on this blog.  We’ll see.

  1. First is a local blogger that I only discovered today named QueerRadical who won the Westword award for best activist blog. Only one day into the posts and I’m impressed.  I like the queer-friendly advice that is given and the intelligent look at books, politics and media.
  2. I was quite pleased to find this website today called 25 Things about My Sexuality which is a fascinating read.  It may take me a while to get through all these different posts, but so far I love the candidness of the revelations.  Gotta say there is some freedom in anonymity and yet, a lot of those posts are so similar to what I would say about my sexuality.   Shows we have more in common than we might think in both our heartbreaks and our triumphs.
  3. The folks over at never fail to entertain.  This article about 5 Ridiculous Sex Myths from History (you probably believe) is fucking priceless.  Not just because it’s entertaining, but because it’s illuminating about the arrogance of later generations to think we are the most sexual of history.
  4. A great event for a great cause, check out the Build-a-Bear fundraiser hosted by the Denver boys of Leather.  Something about hot men in leather with cuddly bears that makes me all gooey and happy.
  5. Lately I’ve been dismayed by the number of people who have been treating relationships with disdain and cynicism (in fact, I’ve been so disillusioned by cynics that I’ve added them to the limit list).  But I love this view of marriage brought to us by Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations with God).  Yes, I am an unabashed fan of Mr. Walsch and his vision for humanity, but I was honestly moved to tears by this particular writing, which encourages us to view marriage and/or long-term commitment in a relationship as an act of witnessing for that person.It’s about having someone there to witness our full selves, our story, our ups and downs and to affirm our value and existence.  That is what my marriages are about…and something I hope to share with you.

And I can’t say that I’ll be posting these things very often. I’m finding it difficult to use the WordPress dashboard and would welcome any different tool for blogging that might be available.

Welcome to the online

I found my blogger account.  It’s amazing isn’t it?  And now that I’ve found it, I’ve decided to delete it.  When I started it, I was looking for a space other than LiveJournal to post my thoughts.  LiveJournal had become dangerous for me because it had been used to out to me to my work colleagues.  That in itself wouldn’t have been bad except for the fact that I had a job that depended on maintaining an austere, unassailable reputation.  And well, I was not as unassailable as I thought.  So I tried out a new home.  Found it to be not as accessible as I wanted it to be and have thus landed here in WordPress land.

So, here is the initial post from that Blogger attempt (March 2007). I called myself the Love Priestess…which is still a title that works for me and I may use it from time to time here.

Welcome back, Bella

You know, I’m not a fan of this space all that much. Blogspot used to be just a place I could read about sex, politics, sex, news, sex, parenting, sex, philosphy, relationships and oh yes, sex. It was a nice little place for me to be without causing too much of a ruckus.

Not so much anymore. There are people who look in on you from time to time, see if there’s anything they can use against you. See whether you’re perverted enough to post something real. See whether you’re sick enough to enjoy seeing a naked body now and then or even wrap your eyes around a tasty piece of erotica. And oh please, let’s not forget that they absolutely must know if you’ve ever had a dirty though to put into words. It’s dangerous.

So, I’ve decided that this space contains whatever it is it going to contain.

I’m a real live woman.
A mother. 
A lover of many.
A connosieur of the the deviant abundance out there.

Yes, I enjoy sex. So should you.
Yes, I have a brain that can analyze social and political problems.
Yes, I read and am captivated by the expression of self through words.

No, I’m not sick.
No, I’m not perverted.
No, I’m not here to corrupt your children…in fact, I don’t want your children anywhere near this space..

I’m just here. And I’m going to say what I’m going to say. And if that makes me dangerous…well, then that is a badge I will proudly wear.

Dangerous ideas.
Dangerous thoughts.
Dangerous lessons.
Dangerous actions.
Dangerous life.

A dangerous beauty.

Where I am tonight


Once upon a time I was someone’s Baby Girl.  I’ve been thinking that someday I might be again…even for a moment.

Content coming

You know, when you start a new blog like this, it’s always hard to establish your presence in the manner you originally envisioned.  Eventually the blog becomes something else.  Something beyond your own creation.

That said, here are my intentions with this particular blog:

  • To highlight sex-positive news and current events
  • To create a safe space for exploration of topics regarding sexual freedom including but not limited to: non-monogamy (poly, swinging, etc.), kink/BDSM/fetish, gender identity/fluidity, sexual orientation, sacred sex, tantra, LGBTQ rights
  • To discuss more personal topics, including my own journey in each of these areas
  • To promote the exchange of ideas that challenge the normative standard for sexual topics.

It may not end up that way.  There will be personal stories thrown in.  There will be political and religious discussion.  And it will probably all take on a life of its own.  But even though it’s a different world, I still find that I have something to say on all these topics and I only hope the visitors to this site find this voice valuable in the overall discourse of human sexuality.

It may be another week before I formulate an official “starting” post that has a true topic.  But stay tuned and feel free to drop a line to say hello.

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