It is now fully 2018. I’m successfully writing the correct year on timesheets. I’ve had time to think about the new year and set intentions and avoid the bad habits long enough to feel like I gave the resolutions the ol’ college try. It is well beyond the time that we would expect to see a “Goodbye 2017 and Hello 2018” type of post out of me, which is why I’ve been sitting with the draft of this post for at least three weeks now.
What I had originally intended to post was my own version of this post by writer Courtney E. Martin who had blogged her answers to 7 questions about aligning intentions in 2018. I wanted to post something similar, but as usual, I started to overthink my answers, allowed it to interfere with the message I wanted to send.
I’ve lost half my life to being a People-Pleaser
I’ve been overthinking my entire life. Controlling for every error, every judgment, every consideration imaginable. And I’m devastated when I fuck up. How could I have allowed myself to make such a stupid mistake? I have spent most of my life controlling for what other people will think of me. In finally overcoming my sense of undeservingness I now have to face the facts about why I care so deeply about what other people think.
I have a pattern of anticipating how I can please others that has resulted in a life so well-controlled by anticipated shame and judgment that I am holding back my own truth, my own needs and desires. Some of it is trauma-based, some of it is personal wounds I kept from healing, but almost all of it is a defensive means of restraint so that the minimum number of people will be displeased with me as possible. It has also been a way for others to control me, to keep me from voicing my needs and holding them accountable for not meeting them.
Nowhere was that control more destructive than with my sexuality. That judgment, that repulsed look in someone’s eye when they hear I am polyamorous. The body image issues that I swallowed with each compromise of a blowjob when someone was too upset by seeing my fat. The compromises, the shame, the guilt in such conflict never trusting in my own voice and intuition.
Who am I when I stop letting others tell me who they want me to be?
The only choice I had was to strip away everything that I had believed about myself, about my motives, about my injuries, about my own narrative, to take away everything that had been whispered or yelled at me. To dig out the stinger those words and actions embedded under my skin.I had to strip that all away so I’d have a chance get back to the purity of what sex means to me: the connection between two (or more) human beings who want to be there in this moment together. In it’s purest form, it is the intimacy of that shared moment that drives me and motivates me, that led me to say yes to so many experiences that can shine forward as fond memories for me.
By stripping away all the dicta, the meaningless words that don’t ultimately matter, I had to surrender to my own truth.
My truth is I have always cared to talk about the experience of sex that aligns with a soul’s purpose. I don’t mean only serious sex or lifelong committed relationships. I mean that one-night stand that awakens your passion, fuels your inspiration and then disappears. I mean that moment when you are accepted in all your fullness by a lover. I mean that 500th time you’ve had sex with your partner and they accidentally find a new way to make you moan for more. I mean that long-distance crush who teaches you the meaning of patience and resilience. I mean the sexual encounters that help us open ourselves to the connections that teach us about ourselves, allow us to glimpse possibilities within. I care about what sex can do to heal the soul with joy.
This is what I offer.
Goddess of the Crossroads: No one can do it for you
I have never felt comfortable giving people advice, telling them what they should do or what they shouldn’t do. There are always so many considerations, most of which are highly personal and relative to how you view the world. I can reflect what I see, but I can’t make the decision for you.
My talent, my work (even with advocacy) is to understand the invisible patterns and connections between and within people. Those dynamics motivate and inform the choices available to someone at any given time. What I care about is being a guide at the crossroads – not instructing you on what choice/path to take – but advising on how to:
- Know yourself well enough to know your priorities & boundaries;
- Evaluate the choices in light of those priorities;
- Predict the path ahead so you’re prepared for what you face after the choice including the collateral consequences to others; and
- Identify opportunities for alignment with the person you most want to become.
But all of this is about stripping away what everyone else tells you about how you should feel or what you should do. Ultimately this is your life to create and craft as your own. No one, not me, not anyone can tell you what choices to make. We can only share our experiences, our knowledge and our support. The rest is about surrendering to the power of your own truth, to forge forward on your own and for your own reasons.
I’ve been scared about whether there’s a place for me as a sex educator or blogger. Is there a place for the more spiritual side of sex without it being labeled as Tantra or New Age? Is there a place where we can recognize that even dirty, kinky sex is sacred and that even sex labeled as sacred can be abusive? How do we better attune ourselves to both surrender and control, to both trust and responsibility? Who can play with the dualities but a woman who has stood at the crossroads more times than I can count? Who knows better about the sacrifices we need to make to please others than the woman who chooses not to sacrifice a vital part of herself in order to fit in?
I can no longer ignore the next step of my journey is surrendering to my own truth and living that truth as honestly as I can. To be the woman I aspire to be, I need to be comfortable in my own skin, making choices that align with that higher purpose. I have lived with the inner conflict and turmoil of distrusting myself, of suppressing my needs and desires to make others happy. I have watched as that stole the joy from my sexuality, made me so self-conscious that I removed myself from any new adventures. I have felt the pain of obeying others at the sacrifice of myself. And here I stand, stripped of the artificial expectations of others, surrendering my shields and allowing myself to experience and share life as fully in the moment as I can this year.
Only by surrendering to our deepest truths, to the power of this moment, will we able to step toward the future we deserve.
This is more of a stream of consciousness. I’m on my way home from a trip to Philly where I presented at PolyLiving 2013. It was a wonderful time, with many people who inspired me with their commitment to one another. It was difficult being at the conference without a partner to share that energy with. I felt a bit off the whole time. I thought at first it was because I was tired from all the over-thinking preparations I put into the event, but realized through the course of things that I really wanted a partner there to pour that energy into and share with.
The energy at a poly event is distinctly different from the energy at a kink event, which is the majority of events that I’ve done so far.
So I promised myself that i would make more of an effort to keep this blog updated. The writing is good for me, even if it’s just mundane shit like my day is today. Warrior prefers to call the random internet browsing and whatnot “noodling” so I guess that’s what I’ve been doing today. Noodling. Here is a small summary:
- My phone died earlier this week. Well, more like the right side of my screen died and was unresponsive. So instead of giving me a deal on my upgrade, Verizon sent me a new version of the same crappy phone that I’ve had to replace twice already. So here we go again with all the updating…all for a phone I’m only going to have for about a month or so. You know, starting Angry Birds…again. Setting the ringtones I had on the last phone back in….again. Putting in all my passwords and syncing up my contacts…again. So today i’m making the most of a lazy Saturday afternoon to do all of this stuff …again.
- Backing up all of my photos to my laptop is another chore. I have over 7000 pictures. Several thousand of which are actually pictures stored on my phone for various apps. But others are pictures that I took for lovers in the past that bring back some warm, fond memories.
- This week I tried playing around on a new site called Lifestyle Tonight. While it is meant to be for all lifestyles (it’s been described to me as Facebook for the sex-positive community), I will probably be drafting an email to the people who run the site on how it can be more inclusive. My sense is that it started with the swingers community and tried to broaden its reach to others in the kink and poly communities. None of this is bad, I just would like to see more options than “bisexual” or “bi-curious” to be more inclusive of those of us who identify as queer or pan or gender fluid. But my initial impressions is that it reminds me a little of the old Alt.com back before it was overrun by bots. Feel free to try it out (or send me a message for an invite) and see what you think. Meanwhile I’m going to revive the old bondage.com and alt.com profiles and see how utterly silly I was back in 2006 when I last updated them.
- Meanwhile on another site I’ve been toying with the membership features of X-Tube. It’s a porn site. Pure and simple. And instead of keeping links to the clips I like on my bookmark list, I decided to try this one out. In only 3 days of having the profile (with just a picture of my covered boobs on the profile pic), I’ve had 5 offers to play online or in person (one wanted to role-play piss play over skype) and over 100 friend requests, 465 views of my pics and 3 ratings. Only three days. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. My friend request page is overfull of pictures of cock that I’m quickly becoming bored of so much cock. In some ways I wish I had been doing this for actual research to see what the patterns are with the people who are friending me and why. Of course it’s not friending for realsies–more like fandom perhaps. It’s a little…overwhelming. Of course I may toy with some of the ones who can actually spell “photo” or give me more than some “I’ll treat you like a queen” sort of statement. Just because i’m looking at porn doesn’t mean I’m lacking anything.
- That said, I’m enjoying some of the gay porn on that site. I’ve been turned off by a lot of straight porn lately. Most of the women in straight porn don’t look like me–or act like me, so it’s not really a turn on for me. And when I watch BBW porn, I get very turned on to all the horrid comments left by men who actually chose to watch it too much less the descriptions that make the woman sound gross and desperate–which they aren’t. So, I tend to go with gay porn most of the time. Men fucking men makes me hot. Yup, yup.
- And I just finished five class descriptions for presentations I might be giving in the very near future for a conference on the east coast this spring. I’m excited. I haven’t been chosen to give those presentations, but yesterday I had a wild flurry of inspiration that told me, “yes, you do have enough knowledge to be able to teach!”. So I went with it!
Tonight we have our choice of seeing a friend do artistic bondage set to live piano, go to a holiday belly dance show or to see SkyFall. Not a bad choice for the night.
I know some will panic about this year. Not me. Not today.
Today I am building miracles.
I am creating joy.
I am savoring the goodness.
Today I am expressing the calm.
I am loosing the wild woman.
I am approving the chaos.
Today I am mourning the silence.
I am praising the release.
I am cherishing the gratitude.
Today I am spending my energy on the blessings yet to come. I am walking in gratitude and joy for the years spent in Love. I am honoring the old and renewing my faith in the new I am proud and whole. Mighty and assured. I am grateful for all that has been and all that is still yet to come. I am open and unafraid of receiving the blessings of the future for I know I am protected. I am alive. Today I am free to live in the truth and beauty of bliss. I live with integrity as I challenge my old beliefs. I am growing and becoming wiser with each step I take.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your thoughts and commentary. I look forward to spending this new year with you!
Don’t have much time to update here but wanted to share a few tidbits from our own, personal kinky roadshow. Have pride will travel.
This weekend I am with my gay brothers in my hometown for their pride festival. After settling at the hotel we headed on the road again for an ice cream social. The gay community of Fremont County was just sweet and generous. They welcomed us with open arms. They seemed so supportive of each other. Which I think is essential when living in a small community like that.
And last night we ended up at the community’s only gay bar where my friends got introduced and I was oggled by every gay man in the space. Pictures soon to follow.
But right now we have the local pride parade. Just waiting for the boys to get ready to go.
Once I get back home I will update with more photos and a lot of insights on how it feels to be “out” in ny hometown.