As you might have noticed, this blog has been pretty barren of original content lately. Of course, you get the weekly Messages of Divine Love (a few days after they come out on Patreon & Substack), but the writing that I had intended to show up on this page, some of the longer content reflecting on relationships, self-awareness and heart-centered leadership always end up falling to the side.

Truth be told I’ve been doing both too much and not enough.

The too much comes from repeating the patterns I’ve had since childhood of treating my feelings with busy-ness. It’s the solution to all my conflict, all my bad break-ups, all my feelings of neglect or jealousy – just pour myself into my work, my healing, or my family. Or at least that’s what some would want me to believe about myself. While I’m not saying they’re right, the frequency and duration of my projects is more often influenced by my neurodivergence than it is an endless cycle of capricious avoidance.

My brain has an easy time discerning strategic gaps for anyone I’m working with, but has difficulty sequencing a process correctly for myself. I’m far too intuitive in how I approach my day, actively resisting anything resembling a routine or schedule, that I often find myself fizzling out on a marketing plan or writing ambition before I’m finished. That, or I get so critical of myself that the words get stuck in an endless loop of re-writes that lock me up in silence.

Here are some things happening in my life right now:

Leveling up my healing

If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you know that I’ve been healing from a truckload of trauma that has accumulated over time. There are some years that stand out as the hardest years of my life – 2011-13, 2017-19, and 2021. But it was 2023 -24 that truly changed me.

While it was the year that I lost my grandma and my aunt, it was also the year I regained my ancestors, identified why the trauma felt like it was blocking everything good in my life. I did the hard work of clearing it, confronting some inner demons and shadowy beliefs. And within months, the most impossible rewards arrived – manifestations as big as a supernova sorta knocked me off my feet for a bit.

The most powerful glow-up of them all has been the unlocking of my heart, restoring the source of my power. Embracing my shadow meant unraveling a lot of my ancestors’ pain…which could only happen once my grandma had permission to pass to the next world, which she did on November 20th. Since then, I’ve had so many impossible opportunities drop into my lap, each one unlocking a different cage that had contained me both punishment and prevention. (Read the Spider Queen posts to get the backstory). Whether it’s the opportunity to teach at events or new flirtations that fulfill a deep need to be seen, I have felt more consistently ME than ever before.

Ripples of change have impacted my life. My health is feeling better than ever. I’m the lowest weight that I’ve been since I was outed in 2007. I am exactly who I wanted to be when this journey started in 2012 accelerating with each year, deepening with excruciating precision down to the cellular level of my ancestry. And now it’s about infusing those cells with the healing they deserved. As such, the queen I have to be in my daily life gets unraveled into the primal, the original, raw power of me…now wise with more than just wounds, but unafraid of humanity’s temper tantrums and patriarchy’s tirades. My heart is big enough to hold even you.

That means I’ve had more energy for things like socializing with friends or networking with new clients. I’ve been more willing to take risks, but also have been more mindful of the boundaries that will keep my energy intact. New people have found their way into my orbit, some taking a greater priority than I could have anticipated. But the power that all of this has contributed to my life cannot be denied. I finally feel like I can claim all that I’ve been hoping to be, build and become: the Empress.

Addressing our Depressive Home

As part of that year from hell that was 2023, in late April our sewer flooded into our basement. A pipe under the house had entirely disintegrated. In the course of the repairs, asbestos had to be mitigated and our lives generally upended by neglectful insurance adjusters who kept giving us the run around combined with an incompetent project manager who would never answer a direct question unless asked by a man. It was only when I sent a long email with receipts and detailed timestamps that we finally got assigned an adjuster who started getting everything approved. We didn’t move back in until early March this year.

This has been a difficult healing process in and of itself. So much of my family’s trauma was experienced in that basement. It soon became a symbol for all that we didn’t want to deal with in our lives – the boxes that still remained unpacked from the initial move 20 years ago, to the law school books that have outdated precedents that I’ll never read again. It became the symbol of our shame, the library of our worst days…many of which outnumbered the good ones. Spiritual manifestations of that trauma had to be cleared, attachments severed, in order for us to be positioned to receive joy.

The clutter has been difficult to deal with – particularly as I now bring home items from our family’s cabin, which will sadly soon be put on the market. I hate it…hate it with a passion…but the grown up in me knows that this is what is best, both for my family and my finances.

Mixed Signals From the Universe

When it comes to my calling, I am compelled to go where I am called…like Mary Poppins. Right when a certain message needs to be heard is when I’m offered an opportunity to share it. Right when a certain person needs me, I have been thinking about them for the weeks or days beforehand. These signals have guided me for over 30 years now. Whether it’s joining the Denver Basic Income Project board last fall or launching my Spark the Heart Network meetings the 4th Tuesday of the month, my service has been about being positioned to jump on a matter of timing – when the orbit of my love aligns with the needs of community.

But ever since opening Rose Connections in 2020, I have been in a constant state of pivot. I’ve been going from offering readings to doing training on Trauma Informed Care. Each time I think I’m done with disability law, someone else needs help with an application making my heart want to say yes. Each time I think I’m done with kink education, another offer comes in from a community going through a consent crisis. I have been uniquely positioned by both privilege and experience to address certain interconnected issues, identify patterns of harm, and break generational curses. But how do you like…monetize that consistently?

Especially when the skills for consistency are so difficult to maintain with my distractable neurospicy brain alight with new inspiration? Or with a body that is susceptible to chronic pain and symptoms of PTSD? Or with a heart that locked itself away for so long that when new relationship energy finds its way in, I just want to pour myself in to make up for the last10 years of self-doubt? Likewise, when I know my skillset is needed, especially in public policy, when I see an opportunity for a job that I literally created in statute come up, how am I expected to not jump on it? I know, I know…I need to focus.

It’s been harder to discern the signals, but easier to manifest. My desires are alive and well, but now intersecting with old intentions from years ago that are finally starting to arrive. When everything is connected, everything starts to seem too important to ignore. Which is my neurodivergent weakness…I always want to help, I always want to be of service, I always want to be in the right. But it can’t always happen that way.

I don’t mind being Mary Poppins, but I’d also like to grow deep roots of a more intentionally connected movement and for that I’d have to stay still for a bit. Classic Sagittarian problem.

Writing my Own Beginning

The book is still very much in process. I’m about 75% done with the first draft, especially now that I’ve figured out some character problems and structural hubris that kept the narrative from flowing. While it is more consistent, so is some of my other writing that won’t ever get published. I’ve been working on a few smaller projects that serve as a warm-up for the book, getting me “into character” so to speak when I am writing from the perspective of some of the different heroes we meet in the novel.

Some of that writing is now living on Patreon, along with more detailed journal entries, which I hope will become more frequent in the coming months. I am feeling called to share more of my story, more of my experience. And while doubt will still inevitably influence my perfectionistic need for re-writes and edits, it is in sharing my heart that I experience the greatest joy. Writing was my first love, teaching a close second, but connecting with people is the talent that shines through them both.

I know better than to make promises

I am the queen of overpromising more than my capacity. It’s a guilt thing. I already am at a deficit, so I need to “discipline” myself to do better and be more. So I take on more. I double down on promises instead of risking the disappointment of those who relied on me. I’m the one who can be sacrificed, not them…

Does that sound familiar at all? If so, guess what, you’re my people. We are the overthinking brigade who glitter with a touch of “too much” and live in fear of never even being good enough to be considered “basic”. So what do we do?

We find community – we gather near each other and share our stories. We find support in the darkness and delight in the different hues of light that we are each using to fix our little corner of humanity. We reach out across time and space to find each other and offer the smiling praise that these new royal leaders of the house of awesome will need to launch their new projects onto the world. Towers are crumbling all around and soo each of us will need to pivot…knowing what talents we can lend to the collective and which ones we bolster in each other.

As such, I encourage you to sign up for the next Spark the Heart Network meeting. While I have a vision for this group, we are just in our beginning stages. There are still spaces open – see if it’s right for you!

Stay in my orbit, friends – let’s do great things together!