Shame and guilt

The past few months I’ve been very proud about taming the applicability of guilt and shame in my life. However, last week that monster came back with a vengeance.   A friend’s blog (Bigger Love) helped provide some perspective.

While my guilt last week has less to do with my fantasies, I know my fantasies have plays into the guilt that I impose on myself. I remember soon after learning of a friend’s childhood abuse, I felt shame for reading erotica that dealt with age play or anything non-consensual. That’s the empath in me …and it stopped any desire I had to have any Daddy-girl play.

Imposing that guilt on myself for the suffering she endured felt like the right thing to do at the time. But it wasn’t.  It wasn’t allowing me the healthy playful sex life I wanted. One in which I could play the little girl drawn into a tawdry relationship with “daddy” that is both consensual and grown-up without having to play the grown-up. That sex life became one in which the little slut wasn’t celebrated but demonized as being representative of a very real trauma millions of people have endured

Like I.said. I got perspective…but I’m not entirely rid of the guilt yet.

Posted on April 18, 2011, in BDSM/Kink, Sex and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. i don’t really understand age play, i can’t separate it from law & order SVU i guess…but this post is the first age play description that didn’t make my stomach clench.

    • For me, there is a marked difference between Daddy-girl and actual age-play. I don’t regress to X years old when I do Daddy-girl play. Instead it is about the power exchange that includes protection, guidance and being allowed and expected to be vulnerable. I’m still me…not X year old me. However, because some people experienced severe trauma because of a real authority figure (father) abusing that relationship that’s where my guilt stems from.

  2. I’m saddened by the fact that guilt gets in the way of exploring one’s possible avenues to be themselves, or rather to feel like themselves.
    Let me explain: pre-emptive guilt is felt out of empathy as you pointed out. It is the guilt that you find yourself wishing for the trauma another has experienced. I truly don’t see the point, you are not responsible for what happened to other and your circumstances for wanting to be involved in such roleplay dynamic has nothing to do with the circumstance the victims found themselves. I see the Daddy-girl/daughter duo just like any other partnership of convenience, if not of compatibility: power exchange between consenting adults, one of which choses to play a character who is under the legal age of consent. I’m sure the taboo aspect of it contributes greatly to the attraction whether you’re the Daddy or the young girl but in my experience it is stronger on the female side and I’ll leave the rest to the analysts before I make a Freudian slip.
    To be honest it has happened that I discovered that a roleplay partner had been repressing a childhood trauma and had been using roleplay to regress to that age but I don’t think it is the case for most of those looking for a daddy-girl relationship. Personally, I would make sure that each scene ends with an attentive care package as well as full disclosure during debriefing. As always communication makes the relationship.

    • “Let me explain: pre-emptive guilt is felt out of empathy as you pointed out. It is the guilt that you find yourself wishing for the trauma another has experienced. I truly don’t see the point, you are not responsible for what happened to other and your circumstances for wanting to be involved in such roleplay dynamic has nothing to do with the circumstance the victims found themselves.”

      Let me explain a little more about the situation that caused me to write this. It’s not “wishing for the trauma another has experienced”. It’s that in relating to her and understanding her experience, my skills as an empath allowed me to -feel- the pain, fear and resentment she had experienced. What I’ve had trouble with is separating her pain from my own when reading stories that emulate the very real hurt she went through. For a long time, it felt like if I accessed that pain that I would understand her better (which it did, but only to a limited degree). Instead what it did was take away from the very real pleasure that I felt when I acted out the Daddy-girl fantasies and role play that honestly came quite naturally to me. But like i said, when I would find myself in a Daddy-girl situation, I couldn’t separate her pain from my desire and it became rather….tainted as an experience.

      However, this is just one example where the guilt of the bad experiences of others (and myself) became mixed in with my actual desires and the pleasure that was derived from it. I am making my way through it, but I find it still impacts me now and then. None of these are isolated scenes with a beginning and an end. It impacts my full fantasy life whether with someone or alone…so aftercare isn’t an option in most of those cases.

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