November 12, 2024: I went in to edit a draft I’ve been meaning to finish and found this gem that I wrote at the end of 2023 about the coming year. My, what a year it’s been! I am shocked…because not only did I accomplish all of this, but I can now fully appreciate how my soul truly accepted the assignment.

December 27, 2023

2024 will be the year I let go of all the hangers on who don’t contribute meaningfully in my life. It will be the year I boldly embrace all my boundaries and build new foundations that won’t fracture under the weakness of anyone’s opinion of me.

I have shit to do that could make this world better but instead, I spent too much of 2023 consumed by the nitpicking, judgment and unhealed emotions of those who cling to the false promises of dead gods rather than open up their limited worldview. I got so distracted and distorted by people who were desperate to avoid their own mirror that they projected their spiritual & moral impotence onto me. It was distracting enough that I didn’t finish writing the book that could explain a better way to relate, giving people a blueprint.

The Janet thing is to say, “Yes, this is on me,” taking responsibility for my “piece of the pie”. And yet, finding out that my natural sensitivities might actually have a basis in autism or that my last-minute data crunches before a deadline might have a basis beyond mere laziness or generalized anxiety has given a new perspective. A lot has been unlocking for me this year, destabilizing the ancestral and domestic trauma I carry. I trusted people to see me and understand where I am, in fact, I needed that more than ever.

Instead, too many took my kindness for granted. They trampled on my vulnerability. Ignored my boundaries. Gaslit my truth. They took all they could from me and gave so little back, making it harder to serve the next person. But worse than that, they undermined the trust I had in myself…making me question why I even exist if all I’m good for is to be a personal punching bag for their unhealed complicity.

Why did I dislike myself so much that I let these people stay in my life?

When a Pedestal is a Prison

Because of my calling, because I saw the hands of Mary, people put me on a pedestal. But it wasn’t in admiration, it was so they could later control my stability with their judgment and shallow retraumatizations. At thirteen years old, the same little old ladies who asked me to pray over them would later snigger and gossip behind my back, judging everything from what I wore to what I watched on tv.

In high school, it was the guys who blew the smoke over the wobbly mirror I saw myself in, telling me with a honeyed, enchanting voice how beautiful I was when all I saw was an awkward, geeky ugly duckling.

In law school and life, it became the jealous co-workers and board members who sought to soak up my knowledge only to undermine my plans. Make no mistake, the pedestal is always a prison. One minute it’s used to make an example of what a good role model you are, the next, it’s to make an example of what a deviant freak you are. Either way, it’s meant to separate us from others. Separate, isolate. Isn’t that the theme of the game?

For a long time I blamed myself for the way others treated me…a pernicious message that was embedded into my mind from a young age. “No matter what you do, we’ll always know that you aren’t worthy. You’ll always be tainted.” I spent too much of my life scrambling for approval, doing my best to winnow myself down to the bare minimum of needs so that I wouldn’t be any bigger of a burden than a “normal person”. I would refuse gifts, push away people’s well-wishes on my birthday, forbidding compliments and other pedestal promises. If I could minimize how often I’m seen, I could minimize the damage I’d endure.

“Low self-esteem” has never been the right terminology for what I feel. It isn’t that I actually dislike myself – I think I’m delightful if given a chance to get past the boasting awkwardness in my aura. But I do distrust whether my sensitive soul is safe with others. The too much/not enough dichotomy can overload someone like me. I read body language, put myself in their shoes and anticipate rejection more often than people articulate it. I value myself so much that I go out of my way to stay safe – taking calculated risks with my vulnerability – trusting fewer people, rather than let them make me lose trust in myself. It isn’t that I don’t value myself…it’s that when my value becomes transient to others, then all I have left is to trust myself.

Can you blame me? By the time I hit my twenties, as a “gifted student” I knew how quickly those admiring smiles would turn to an envious grasp for control. I’ve toppled off pedestals long enough to have the bruises and improperly healed scars to have good reason to avoid it. You won’t see me run for office because the pedestal takes me further from my power, far away from my source. What I need, in order to truly know I love myself,is a firm foundation on which to build my kingdom, a place to plant my throne and grow my community. A place where I can stay put and do what I do best, draw out the best in people, offer comfort, safety and healing in the wake of unspeakable doom.

I love myself enough to know that more than any individual in my life, my intuition has saved me from worse traumas than what I had already endured. My sense of self has been an anchor in every storm, every question about my calling. Self-awareness was my secret weapon, making it easier to discern when someone was just talking out of anger versus an actual red flag. Yet, I wore the camouflage of self-deprecation for so long that I often mistook it for an actual personality instead of superficial window dressing I wore to keep me hidden from the spotlight.

The Clarity of Fiercely Intuitive Living

This past year has taken me on a journey to encounter and release my ancestors from patterns of guilt imposed by colonized perspectives that didn’t have to exist. With the loss of both my aunt and my grandma this year, each their own kind of matriarch, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to feel like the mantle is passing to me.

I’m not for everyone. Nor is it my job to continually pivot to prove myself when it’s clear they’re operating from a distorted lens of self-pity and displaced anger. They refuse to see themselves as part of the problem…yet their proposed solutions are repulsive reflections of their supremacist intentions.

If people haven’t learned how to treat me by now, it is no longer my job to patiently teach them and endure all the ways they hurt me by continually ignoring the bare minimum of my needs.

I don’t owe takers anything.

I don’t owe deniers anything.

I don’t owe hypocrites anything.

I especially don’t owe racist, transphobic, biphobic or ableist critics anything.

People who knew me 10+ years ago without bothering to be a part of my life during that time in between don’t get to dictate the terms of my advocacy or the limits of my empathy. They’ve been passive recipients of it this whole time without giving much in return. I don’t recall them offering to fill my cup or help my causes and as such they don’t get to decide who is worthy of my effort, nor do they get to control how I share myself. When they make no effort to be a positive part of my life, they don’t get to criticize what they refused to understand to begin with.

Just because we took a class together 8 years ago doesn’t mean they’re my friend. Just because they attended a fundraiser I hosted 15 years ago doesn’t mean they know me. Just because we worked together for a season back home doesn’t make their input necessary in my life. Just because we loved each other 20 years ago doesn’t mean they know how to keep my love now. That they don’t see or care for my depth does not mean I’m obligated to save them from themselves when they go too far with their blame-shifting outrage.

I have been censoring myself for too long to provide comfort for the privileged few who can’t handle their towers coming down. I have empathy for that process…but they act like they’re the only ones who have ever faced this when I’ve been teaching about this for years. Yet, once their chosen beliefs system is proven to be false, they lash out at me, who is most likely to understand and have compassion for what they are going through. When the mirror has been turned on them, when they see the grotesque beliefs staring them at the face, they criticize me to cover-up for the lack of their own integrity to face hard truths themselves.

I know the difference between who has been there in my darkest hours and who now expects me to break my soul trying to save them now. They are not the same. Especially when the latter group props up oppressive systems and paradigms that make my work even harder, why would I continue to endorse the comfort of one over the liberation of many?

Fair warning…in 2024 I won’t be censoring myself for those who can’t even minimally show up for anything happening in my life, including giving me the kind words or depth or connection I give them. I won’t be withholding myself for the people who know my trauma and yet knowingly trigger it with their skewed priorities & self-centered demands.

I am no longer available to anyone who abuses their connection to me to endorse violence, justify gossip or gaslight victims. I’m no longer available to the tourists who want their photo op & souvenir of my kindness to make them feel important, while complaining and disrespecting my peace the whole time. (I especially am not available to those who refused to read the room and still tossed their judgment at me during the days it was reasonable for me to be grieving.)

They can keep their unfounded opinions, authoritarian threats & dehumanizing language to themselves. Because if they aren’t working toward the same causes I care about, helping me become a better me or holding space so I can heal my own broken heart, then they can wait on the outside walls with the rest of the tourists.

Does that sound selfish? Good…it was supposed to be. Because I am not an amusement park ride or an endless supply of foolish chances and kind reactions. Most of them have proven they can’t handle my full strength anyway…I’m far too threatening when I’m standing in my power. I have a responsibility to manage my energy and boundaries so I can do what I was called here to do.

People are entitled to their opinions and beliefs, but I’m also empowered to stop entertaining wounded egos especially when they’re making fools of themselves as fascists in training.

If they aren’t going to take the gift of my friendship seriously, with the same benefit of the doubt, curiosity and understanding that I give them, then why should I continue carving out space for their self-important, surly worldview?

And if you’re self-centered enough to think this is about you, then maybe you should consider why it applied to you. There is nothing wrong with taking a page out of my book and looking in the mirror to see if you’re wearing something that resembles what I’ve written. These things can be corrected…or can just be unfriended without drama & tears.

But one thing’s for sure in 2024, I’m not RSVPing to any quarrels about who I am as a person. My calendar is already booked for self-love, not self-loathing, thanks!