Category Archives: Grab Bag
What you get when I can’t decide how to categorize these posts–or just wasn’t paying attention.
In the smallness of myself
Something is happening that I don’t understand. Dizziness, sleeplessness and pains everywhere imaginable. Some might say it is a transformation. Others might argue that it’s a breakdown. And there’s the camp who think it is all in my head.
I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t have the wherewithal to continue dismissing these symptoms like they don’t exist. Nor can I really allow myself to believe that I’m the victim in some self-induced hysteria.
I’m burdened and tired. Regrets flow through me like a river where barren ground once cracked under my feet. Languid and wrung out. Waiting for faith to return to me while I stand locked in the mud of my own consequence. I can’t move toward it. There is no life beyond the present moment. No light at the end of a vast tunnel. Just fear and loathing and a heart dripping with diminished hope.
I bleed with the chasm of sacred sacrifice. A wound too deep to heal. A calling too vast to encompass.
I am only one person and at that not a very good one. I am depressed with the lost potential of my future. I am weighed down by the loss of gravity and importance.
Let the lake of tears claim me. Everyday is an old struggle. An impulse for the unthinkable. The shameful secret that is perched quietly over my bed that waits for insomnia and this insanity to descend. My constant. The option that lingers on the edges of my thoughts. A call to concede. “Enough, my friend. Your struggle can come to an end if you just turn to me.” It isn’t the opposite of hope. Instead offering me what the future can’t. A certainty of no pain, my anger, and certainly no guilt.
In the cold of night I remember the hurt. The banishment and the endless prayer. “Help me, oh God. I can’t do it by myself. But I can if I can meet you halfway.” And he did. Every single time until he didn’t. Until he left me as utterly alone as I had felt before I learned how to listen to him.
There is no halfway for people like me. We either live fully or not at all. We either embrace the shadow or we die of too much light.
And in the quiet of my little girl heart I thought I heard him calling me…a voice tethered to the smallness of the innocence I lacked. A girl who was told “no” but never allowed to say it. A girl who dreamt of ogres and closets. A girl who refused to deserve any gift, any charity, any worth.
Alone in the night. Misaligned and maligned.
Always
Saturday Afternoon Noodlings
So I promised myself that i would make more of an effort to keep this blog updated. The writing is good for me, even if it’s just mundane shit like my day is today. Warrior prefers to call the random internet browsing and whatnot “noodling” so I guess that’s what I’ve been doing today. Noodling. Here is a small summary:
- My phone died earlier this week. Well, more like the right side of my screen died and was unresponsive. So instead of giving me a deal on my upgrade, Verizon sent me a new version of the same crappy phone that I’ve had to replace twice already. So here we go again with all the updating…all for a phone I’m only going to have for about a month or so. You know, starting Angry Birds…again. Setting the ringtones I had on the last phone back in….again. Putting in all my passwords and syncing up my contacts…again. So today i’m making the most of a lazy Saturday afternoon to do all of this stuff …again.
- Backing up all of my photos to my laptop is another chore. I have over 7000 pictures. Several thousand of which are actually pictures stored on my phone for various apps. But others are pictures that I took for lovers in the past that bring back some warm, fond memories.
- This week I tried playing around on a new site called Lifestyle Tonight. While it is meant to be for all lifestyles (it’s been described to me as Facebook for the sex-positive community), I will probably be drafting an email to the people who run the site on how it can be more inclusive. My sense is that it started with the swingers community and tried to broaden its reach to others in the kink and poly communities. None of this is bad, I just would like to see more options than “bisexual” or “bi-curious” to be more inclusive of those of us who identify as queer or pan or gender fluid. But my initial impressions is that it reminds me a little of the old Alt.com back before it was overrun by bots. Feel free to try it out (or send me a message for an invite) and see what you think. Meanwhile I’m going to revive the old bondage.com and alt.com profiles and see how utterly silly I was back in 2006 when I last updated them.
- Meanwhile on another site I’ve been toying with the membership features of X-Tube. It’s a porn site. Pure and simple. And instead of keeping links to the clips I like on my bookmark list, I decided to try this one out. In only 3 days of having the profile (with just a picture of my covered boobs on the profile pic), I’ve had 5 offers to play online or in person (one wanted to role-play piss play over skype) and over 100 friend requests, 465 views of my pics and 3 ratings. Only three days. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. My friend request page is overfull of pictures of cock that I’m quickly becoming bored of so much cock. In some ways I wish I had been doing this for actual research to see what the patterns are with the people who are friending me and why. Of course it’s not friending for realsies–more like fandom perhaps. It’s a little…overwhelming. Of course I may toy with some of the ones who can actually spell “photo” or give me more than some “I’ll treat you like a queen” sort of statement. Just because i’m looking at porn doesn’t mean I’m lacking anything.
- That said, I’m enjoying some of the gay porn on that site. I’ve been turned off by a lot of straight porn lately. Most of the women in straight porn don’t look like me–or act like me, so it’s not really a turn on for me. And when I watch BBW porn, I get very turned on to all the horrid comments left by men who actually chose to watch it too much less the descriptions that make the woman sound gross and desperate–which they aren’t. So, I tend to go with gay porn most of the time. Men fucking men makes me hot. Yup, yup.
- And I just finished five class descriptions for presentations I might be giving in the very near future for a conference on the east coast this spring. I’m excited. I haven’t been chosen to give those presentations, but yesterday I had a wild flurry of inspiration that told me, “yes, you do have enough knowledge to be able to teach!”. So I went with it!
Tonight we have our choice of seeing a friend do artistic bondage set to live piano, go to a holiday belly dance show or to see SkyFall. Not a bad choice for the night.
A Blessing for 2012
I know some will panic about this year. Not me. Not today.
Today I am building miracles.
I am creating joy.
I am savoring the goodness.
Today I am expressing the calm.
I am loosing the wild woman.
I am approving the chaos.
Today I am mourning the silence.
I am praising the release.
I am cherishing the gratitude.
Today I am spending my energy on the blessings yet to come. I am walking in gratitude and joy for the years spent in Love. I am honoring the old and renewing my faith in the new I am proud and whole. Mighty and assured. I am grateful for all that has been and all that is still yet to come. I am open and unafraid of receiving the blessings of the future for I know I am protected. I am alive. Today I am free to live in the truth and beauty of bliss. I live with integrity as I challenge my old beliefs. I am growing and becoming wiser with each step I take.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your thoughts and commentary. I look forward to spending this new year with you!
Lessons in the Truth
I believe in honesty. I believe in truth. When I have been on the receiving end of deception it hurts.
I know that there are plenty of reasons why people lie and hide the truth, particularly from themselves. Almost all of those reasons stem from some form of fear. Not malice really, but fear. And that fear appears as manipulation to most, but it is less of a deliberate, cunning ploy and more like the actions of a scared 6 year old who believes that the truth will get them into trouble.
Conversely, I have known plenty of people who relish in giving others “THE TRUTH” as more of a hammer of justice. They think they are doing a public good and in that respect, I can understand where they are coming from. But the arrogance of thinking that your version of “the truth” matches the receiver’s experience of it is often what adds insult to the injury of having to be lectured to by a grown-up. More often than not the receiver already knows of the issue that this person is hammering them for. Maybe they’re not facing up to it. Maybe they do need to see it from a different perspective, but awareness is rarely the problem. And shoving “THE TRUTH” in their face isn’t always going to garner the best response.
Both of these are defense mechanisms but in very different ways and yet they both stem from a place of fear. One is passive and the other aggressive. Both are fueled by this similar sense of loss. In the first one, if the actor doesn’t tell his beloved the truth or lies to cover it up, he is doing it to avoid the consequences for the truth coming out. In the second instance, it’s preventative. Instead of facing their own harsh realities, often the actor is projecting their issues onto someone else. The more disparate the observation, the more projection that is being imposed. Both are from a place of fear. And both work to avoid resolving conflicts with one’s inner truth.
Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search for it there, and to be guided by truth as one sees it. But no one has a right to coerce others to act according to his own view of the truth. – Mahatma Gandhi
I started writing this post just after the beginning of September. My life was in chaos at that point. Not only had I quit my job, but I was actively trying to re-engage with my ex and trying to figure out the best place to be in his life. And here I am three months later and still contemplating this issue of honesty and how to best integrate it within the chaos that still surrounds me.
Honesty and truth had a lot to do with the fall of many of my relationships. It wasn’t always about deception, but deception was usually revealed. It wasn’t always about not being receptive to the truth, but often the truth was used as a hammer of justice by both me and my loved one to injure and disable within arguments. It’s not something I’m proud of, in fact, I often look on it with worry and guilt.
But I think that is more of the point about “the truth”. I can admit that I was a dick back then…and still can be when it comes to the truth. I can say that I do my best not to hide things from the people I love. I don’t always succeed. However, one of the first things I ask for is a similar amount of transparency as I show to others. When I don’t get that, I freak out. And that is my truth too.
In the past I’ve required such a massive amount of transparency that I then start panicking when I feel something is being kept from me. Maybe this stems from some of my earliest romantic relationships: a boyfriend who was hiding that he was gay, a boyfriend who was hiding that he was cheating on me everyday with a co-worker for 4 months, a boyfriend who was hiding his drug use from me. Because I had been so gullible and naive I had to fine tune my sense of truth. I wanted to avoid being taken advantage of and being humilitated by the people I love. I am at a point now where I can not only smell out a lie (little inconsistencies here and there adding up to a bigger cover-up) but also sense when someone is bullshitting themselves.
Of course, this results in some false alarms. Sometimes the little details that just don’t add up are because the person was drunk and honestly can’t remember and is trying to fill in those details as well. Maybe they are bullshitting themselves about their own life because they have been taking steps to create something new after being in the dumps for the past 4 years and are trying to be more positive and self-assured. In either case, my accusations of dishonesty don’t help matters. I often forget that people don’t have the same inner trust for honesty and integrity that I do. Some of them still need these coping mechanisms and are possibly fighting a hard battle to confront them. Most simply feel that my honesty requirements are pushy and intrusive.
It doesn’t mean that I have to accept shabby or inconsistent treatment from the people I want to be intimate with. In fact, if honesty is what I need for intimacy, then, by all means, I deserve to receive it. And I certainly don’t need to surround myself with people who will be careless about that need.
But I also need to recognize and remember that I am not perfect and can’t expect perfection from others. I flub up. I act impulsively. I make up stories to explain my emotions so I don’t have to tell someone they are disappointing me or hurting me. I also impose my own truth on people as well. And I should apply that same lesson to those that have employed the hiding and projecting and recognize what is truly driving those actions. The same fear of embarrassment, shame, and loss as what has driven my own actions. And the more I judge dishonesty and brutal “truth” the less I create a structure with which people can feel safe in sharing their full truth with me…which in the end takes me further away from what I truly want to create for my closest friends.
And much like Mahatma Gandhi mentions above…truth is truly within and individual to the person viewing it. In order to act with my highest truth, I need to allow people the space to act with theirs; stop coercing them into adopting or conforming to my view of things, especially intimacy.
