The past five years have been unusually dark for me. Full of family turmoil and career drama. I’ve had plenty of reasons to run and hide, to isolate myself from the world. I stopped dating, I stopped really socializing too. I locked away in my little protective bubble where nothing could touch me. And how fitting that this spring I’m starting to emerge into who I have always wanted to be.
I’m sure the isolation served a purpose, allowed me a chance to rest, regroup and plot my way forward. But so much hurt, so much shame, so much trauma and I was more stuck than empowered. Contrast that to where I am now, more social, more vocal, more grounded in who I am. I believe strongly that this is where I need to be right now, in a space of manifestation and creation, fulfillment and passion. It’s time for me to start making some of my own dreams come true and actualizing the purpose I have for my life.
It’s even more important for me to be in this space…
Right here and right now
I can’t even say how long it’s been since I used the word “passion” to describe myself. I’ve been in survival mode for so long that passion had hardened into a strong shell of resentment over the years I had to put aside what I wanted and desired to avoid judgment and shame. And that passion barely had any embers left until the beginning of 2016.
It was a shitty year….we know this now. And when I had started writing this back in October, I had no idea how bad it would get. I had no idea that so many of us survivors of sexual assault would get activated and retraumatized all at once. I couldn’t see that coming. But to have that same person now in the White House is even more terrifying. And more threatening. Read the rest of this entry
I awoke from a nightmare early this morning. Yes, yes…it was just a dream, but you know how those images stay with you? How the emotions stirred up in a dream haunt and disturb you in your waking life? This isn’t the first time I have had this dream…but it was the first time I tracked it to its source. It is sunrise, I am awake. And I am grateful.
Having slept poorly for the past few weeks I couldn’t imagine anything worse than having to wake up at 5:30 in the morning screaming and crying. I’ve woken up in part because my dreams have me work even harder than I have to in real life. Chasing down leads, following evidence, questioning my every move. It’s exhausting. And this morning I finally came face-to-face with the entity causing all this turmoil in my nightmares, the client I had been “serving” …a very cunning, old and yet wise giant spider. A Queen of Deception set on ensnaring me in her trap.
I am arachnophobic. So let that sit for a moment. And one of my greatest fears is being trapped.
I saw her through a slit in a wall after taking all her advice, after chasing down every lead. And there she was. In all her grotesque beauty. Disturbed and scared I woke up screaming “Never Again!” And in the dark before the dawn, I finally understand it.
In my waking life, just like in my sleeping life, I have been chasing down task after task. But like in my dreams, I have been doing these things, not to serve my higher self, but instead to serve my fears. These tasks, these duties, these actions have not brought me to higher awareness or achievement, but have only served to reinforce the lowest of myself: my fears.
And my response, just like in my moments where I awoke screaming is the same: never again. Never again will I pursue the “safe” path in order to assuage and protect my fears. Never again will I second-guess my motives, my actions, my very life or lifestyle choices to serve and defend the basest of ideas. Never again.
Fear is the antithesis of love. Once it enters into a relationship it stands in opposition of love…questioning it, distrusting it, suspecting it, doubting it. But I don’t want to be known as a woman of fear. I want to be known as a woman of love. I want it to flow out of every corner of my being. It is what I want to give to my clients, my projects, my family, my enemies. I want Love to prevail. Not fear.
All this chasing. All this turmoil had a purpose. And I will take it…
The dawn indeed is quite beautiful.
Last night was rough. In fact, the past month has been rather difficult. Isn’t that always the way the way December is? Full of expectation and despite our best attempts disappointment creeps in. However, when the new year fell upon us, I was full of hope and faith for the coming year. Even though I’ve been doing my best to stay positive in my life despite a lack of money, business, and meaningful new connections in my life, I was hopeful. But fighting a lifetime of guilt, negative thought and un-deservingness takes a toll on a girl. Especially when she’s already laid up with a fever and gut-loathing cough.
So last night was a rough night. Opting to skip sex for the night in favor of being able to breathe easily, I laid there as Warrior quietly and swiftly fell asleep. And that one negative thought came blasting through the silence of my room.
You’re not a good person, Bella.
Of course it’s not true….is it? But i’ve believed it for so long, allowed it to influence so many of my relationships and allowed it to fashion a life of self-sacrifice that I hardly notice when it comes into my head. It’s easy for it to come into my head. And despite all the safety nets I’ve constructed and defense mechanisms to combat this message it just kept blaring through my head.
You don’t deserve these people in your life, Bella.
There it went again. Compounding and adding to the ill-settled silence in my room. Soft breathing from Warrior next to me. 2:37 a.m. Despondency started settling in. No matter how much I tried to imagine myself as deserving and loved I couldn’t see past the hypocricy I knew I was being accused of miles away. I had been passive-aggressive. And while I have my reasons for how I acted, I knew there was no going back. But instead of standing to how I felt, standing to what I did and accepting the present as evidence of my strength, I started succumbing to fear.
I could go on and on about the things I tell myself in the middle of the silence. I could go on and on about this history…not just where it came from but who it has impacted. But the fact is, for all my attempts at positive thought lately, I still have to wrestle with this darkness in a meaningful but healing way.
After I ran out of the room and cried in our garage for an hour, I came back to Warrior’s loving arms. He wrapped them tight around me and reminded me that I am beautiful. I am loved. I am intelligent. I am intuitive. And despite what I think my actions over the past few weeks have shown my courage and my strength. I had him repeat those to me over and over until I fell asleep crying on his chest.
I woke this morning from a detailed dream of a wedding and decided that 2012 is the year that I achieve balance in the different areas of my life: mind, body, soul and heart. These all need to be aligned. And the only way I can really do that is to confront the voices of my past that keep me stuck in a never-ending trail of un-deservingness, deprivation and starvation. I experience all of these things on an intimate level in each area of my life. Whereas before I was willing to allow it to dictate my actions and keep my loved ones pushed away, today I am willing to face it, confront it, heal it and finally move forward into a realm where my thoughts and words are creative and not as destructive as they once had been.
This is the resolution this year…to feel healthy in my mind, in my heart, in my body and in my soul.