Today is my birthday. Birthdays aren’t normally about celebrations for me…or at least my own aren’t. It would take too long to explain how my birthday ritual came to be…or how it grew into what it was last night/this morning. But I take advantage of my seasonal affect disorder (SAD) to willingly enter into a dark night of the soul each and every year just before my birthday. I reflect on the past year, atone for my mistakes and open myself to divine presence in order to set the goals and path for the coming year. It is a ritual that developed naturally over the years and now is a yearly vigil I choose to keep.
This year was harder than most. I turned 35 today and I have had myself convinced since the age of 7 that I would not ever make it past 35. So if that intuition is to be believed then I’ve set up a situation where I’ve put a great deal of pressure on myself to make this year and hence this birthday really count.
So I decided I would actually walk people through the ritual from start to finish and share a few of the guiding messages I received.
December 15, 2012 1:40 am
(terribly sorry for the small pictures. I uploaded this from my ipad and didn’t think they’d turn out this small–Maybe I’ll edit with larger photos)
Tonight is not a short ritual. Tonight I feel the power pour through me, tonight I shall bless myself with each element: earth, air, fire, water.
Earth: crystals and sacred sand from Chimayo. Herbs: mint, balm & Irish moss
Water: water in a pitcher, holy water from Medjugorje and wine (although just as much earth there)
Fire: candles of every variety
and create my own order:
Lighting the incense, lighting the Medjugorje candles before any of the others.
I pour the wine
I place the stones and crystals in the bowl and douse it with the blessed water
I pray and cleanse the stones, placing them into the hand of offering on the table
I place the herbs in the water to soak
I anoint myself with oil and remind myself to just be present and aware, to be trusting of the sacredness of my own journey.
In a nutshell, the past has been about failing to recognize the abundance around me. I distrust abundance and yet constantly ask for it. So even when it is in my life, I reject it…out of fear that I am unworthy, un-deserving. I always assume that it wasn’t for me. Or that the help being offered is a message of my failure instead of my success at drawing people closer to me. I refuse to seek help or accept it when it is offered. And when I do accept it, my own guilt is just so overpowering that I can’t ever see it for the abundant blessing it is.
My distrust of the world, of my path, of the people closest to me but mostly of my own abilities and skill has been at an all time high this year and has kept me from achieving anything close to what I am truly capable of.
The messages flow through me like a mother wrapping her arms around her daughter after a difficult day. Soothing, comforting, and full of wisdom and guiding truth.
I am in a period of increased sensitivity to my calling, my purpose but in particular, to the needs of others. My challenge is to become a light, to allow my heart to glow with the gifts I naturally possess. I need to stop shrouding my light, inhibiting my heart. I must trust my own wisdom. And I must trust that my needs are always met.
It ends with me crushing up the mint leaves as I wish my intentions. A loving home, a new home, partnerships and headings, success and opportunities to teach, financial wealth or at least security. Writing. Sex. Release.
I take the mint water and douse myself with that energy in a bath, feeling a new appreciation for all that my skin contains. A renewed vigor and commitment to loving my life. I seal it with a meditation that gives rise to orgasms that I didn’t expect.
An unexpected ending to my 19th solar return ritual.