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The Expectations of Performance in Public Spaces 

I woke up feeling heartsick today. Not only did I sleep in beyond what I’m comfortable with–10:30 am–I had bad dreams. Dreams of isolation and emergency. Moving a family out of my home and to safety, avoiding cameras and such along the way so they couldn’t be tracked. These dreams are typical for me…often I’m in a position to protect others, to usher them to something better. But today it just felt different.

It felt like there was this expectation. “This is what you do, Janet, so you better perform as expected.”  It’s an icky feeling actually. What if I don’t feel capable today? What if I have other priorities or responsibilities? What if I get it wrong or don’t do well enough? What if I fail?

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Via TheCooperReview.com

My entire life has been dictated by this requirement of established public performance. I am plagued by being a people pleaser–if it will make others happy I will jump into action before thinking of the impact it has on myself. If people -need- me to do something I will sacrifice myself and my own needs to accomplish it.

This is a chronic problem with me. Constantly pushing past my own boundaries, or worse not even recognizing my own boundaries, in order to please others.

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30 things to stop doing to yourself (my take on 1-10)

Re-posted from my personal blog

Source: http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Everyday I find I am more and more grateful for the fabulous people who have entered my life.  Lately, in particular, I’ve been associating with therapists and social workers.  I have found these friends to be grounded, positive and rather insightful not just into the human condition (which interests me greatly) but about the impact of simplicity on our overall wellbeing as a society.    So when one of them passed along this article to me (one of the many, many great articles he has posted over the few months I’ve known him), I was inspired to pass it along.

Here are the suggestions from that website with a brief example of how I’ve tried to integrate this into my life  (I’ve only hit on the first 10 of these….but hopefully it gives you some practical insight)

  1. Stop spending time with the wrong people:  For years I was known for not letting anyone leave my life.  I stayed connected with anyone and everyone, even if they hurt me.  Whether they were negative, whether they were cheaters, whether they were abusers or emotional vampires (who are not as bad as everyone makes them out to be).  This is changing.  It’s not just about choosing to spend less time with these kinds of people, it’s about spending less time on them.  At some point along the journey in the past 3 years I learned to separate myself from the problems that my friends and loved ones were encountering.  And at the same time, I redefined which kind of person really made my soul soar with love, joy and fullness and which kind of person made my soul sink with regret, disdain and obligation.   And when I chose to do both simultaneously, suddenly the influence of the “wrong” people lessened and I was feeling less and less hurt.  This enabled me to be able to heal much more easily and much more fluidly.  So it’s not just about stop spending time with the “wrong people” but it’s about spending more time with the “right people”.
  2. Stop running from your problems. I still can’t manage to do this in my financial life (in part because I’m not making any money at all right now and my savings are almost all gone).  But I’ve been employing this in my personal life.  I don’t run away from problems.  I do try to face them head on.  What they don’t tell you is you can face them head on with compassion….both for yourself and for those you might have a problem with.   It takes work and it takes trust, but it is possible.
  3. Stop lying to yourself.  No one else can do this for you.  This isn’t about beating yourself down brutally.  But it’s about seeing yourself fully.  Both your flaws and your strengths.  They make up the whole of who you are.  The sooner you choose to see yourself as a whole and vibrant human being, the sooner you start living your life with authenticity.
  4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner.    It’s one of the hardest lessons to learn for those who us who were a) brought up to believe that our needs are selfish and therefore shameful and b) have a natural inclination to give.  Resolving this issue is far more complex than you might think.  However, giving yourself permission to be cared for and to *gasp* receive that care is so vital to the process.  If you find that you have trouble receiving love and self-care, I highly suggest reading The Power of Receiving by Amanda Owen.  It has been tremendously influential in my life and shows the balance necessary for those who give and those who receive.
  5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. So hard.  So very hard.  And even for someone who is absolutely adamant that you should never be someone other than Who You Really Are. Anyone who has watched Mad Men knows that one of the central conflicts within the show is the pressure that the characters have not just to conform to what society tells them they are supposed to live like, but to be the ones putting the pressure on the rest of America by feeding them pictures of a perfection that none of them actually experience.  It’s brilliant really.  I wish there could be a movement in this culture for us to live exactly as we are meant to.  To pursue our happiness, to live our lives with authenticity and love.   For inspiration I suggest listening to Frank Sinatra sing “My Way” a couple hundred times.  And frankly if you’re trying to live the life of a happily married monogamous heterosexual life mate and you feel a dissonance in any of these things let me say very clearly….LIFE IS SHORT.  No matter what pain and heartache you may endure, you are entitled, called and indeed destined to live your life with authenticity. And I will guarantee with certainty you will be miserable the longer you keep trying to hold up the mask and hide the beauty of Who You Really Are.
  6. Stop trying to hold onto the past.  This one has been particularly difficult for me.  I love the past.   I am nostalgic and sentimental.  I love re-living the magical moments of my life.  And yet, it’s kept me tied there in an uncomfortable and limiting way.  I didn’t realize just how much until I encountered my ex over the summer.  While reunions are always tinged with nostalgia, it wasn’t until he was back home that I realized I had been holding him to old expectations of our prior relationship and expecting him to be the same person.  I was feeling pressure to be the same person I once was as well.  We were in a unique place to start something new and learn each other all over again. But holding on to the past also meant holding both of us to the actions, behaviors and ideas of the past as well… let it go and live right where you are in this very moment.
  7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. Amen!  And yet, lookie there…this is hard for me too.   Especially in the past 3 years, I have been terrified to make a mistake.  Even when I decided to leave my old job and start my own business, suddenly the cost of each of my mistakes was going to be squarely on my own shoulders.  I hadn’t expected that.  And yet if you constantly are looking to avoid mistakes, how can you really accomplish anything.  One of the hardest things for me to learn is that the mistakes offer opportunities to do something truly amazing and by avoiding them, I’m avoiding those opportunities as well.  And despite what that voice in the back of your head tells you about what “everybody” is going to think, I can promise that there aren’t a cadre of reporters outside your window ready to report, analyze and criticize your every mistake.  And if your friends and lovers  really do this, then maybe look at #1 again.
  8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes:  Yes, another hard one.  (If this list were easy would it be necessary?) .  I beat myself up for everything.  Even being Catholic and having the opportunity to confess my mistakes and receive forgiveness isn’t enough.  I continue to punish myself.  It wasn’t until I saw my youngest son doing the same thing that I decided enough was enough.  I can’t change the past.  And my past failures and mistakes are a part of me….but they don’t have to define me.  I don’t have to be defined as a “failure” because I didn’t pass the bar exam both times I took it.  Half of the work here is reframing the perceived failure or mistake as something new and controllable.  Because frankly your perception is under your control.  I didn’t fail on the bar exam.  I didn’t have the right frame of mind walking in because I was so conflicted about the legal profession itself.  I have delayed passing the bar exam and i’m glad I did.  I am more mature, more capable and better ready to accept the responsibility it requires of me.  I am not my mistake…I am who grew out of those mistakes…something magical and beautiful in and of itself.
  9. Stop trying to buy happiness.  We are told that if we have this kind of home, this kind of car, this kind of equipment, this kind of vacation experience that we will be happy.  I’ve had to choose to stop surrounding myself with things.  Just like the first suggestion above…stop spending time with the wrong people….stop spending your money on the wrong things.  We all desire things, but what will truly make us happy is shifting our perspective about our own selves, our place in this world and our contributions to it.  When you find yourself buying something, make sure it isn’t to fill a hole that one of these other suggestions could better fill for you.
  10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. Oh yes!  But I want to take this a step further.  Your happiness is not in the control of anyone other than you.  If you cast your hopes for happiness on another person you’re fighting a losing battle.  You are investing in their choices so heavily and resting your happiness on whether or not they make the right choices –for you-.  I have made myself crazy doing that.  Caring so deeply for others and expecting them to act in a way that would make –me- happy regardless of whether it was making them happy or whether that choice fit with their experience, desires and ideals.  Fact is, we are all on our own individual journeys.  You don’t know what another person is dealing with or what is fully riding on their choices and decisions, no matter how intimately connected you are with them.  They are their own person and you are yours.  They can’t make your happiness for you.  That’s your job.

Advice vs. Living

Let’s face it, there’s a lot of bad advice out there on the internet. In fact, besides porn, the internet is almost custom-built for those who have a plethora of opinions.  To provide their egos with passive audience to ooh and ahh over their particular brand of advice and ideas.  And I’m finding it more and more within the “sex positive” community.  People who think they are providing good advice to the newly polyamorous or who have a set list of rules for those following a D/s lifestyle.  In fact, I’ve seen so many those sites that I just don’t want to list any examples.

And it’s not to say that I’m not guilty of thinking myself to be such a prolific example of poly, kinky sexuality that I should provide my advice whether solicited or not.  The fact is all I can do is share my story.  Share how I’ve arrived at the decisions I have during my journey.  In sharing my own shortcomings and mistakes, my triumphs and my personal declarations perhaps others might learn.  But I’m hoping more than anything others may be able to empathize and see their own situation from a different perspective.

At the start of 2012, I will be launching a complimentary blog called Love Priestess where I share more of the actual lessons I’ve learned through the years and provide some insight into how people might approach conflicts they encounter in their love lives.  I don’t have answers… and I don’t declare myself to be an expert.  But after 7+ years of polyamory and even more years of experience in kink, I can say I’ve lived and learned.  My opinions are informed from my own experiences, my own heritage, my own outlook on life.  Now that you’ve been warned…I hope you enjoy what I have to say in in these pages and in the ones to come.

Sharing the goodness

A long time ago when I first started blogging I used to follow someone who would make a daily post identifying the new things he was discovering out there on the internet.  He’d compile it all into one post and call it “Sharing the Goodness”.  Usually with some catchy, awesome title to draw in his (mostly female) readership.  I always loved that concept, sharing the things that interested us whether they be kinky, geeky, sexy, raunchy or just plain beautiful.  So here is my contribution to the Goodness for one day.  This may become a semi-regular feature on this blog.  We’ll see.

  1. First is a local blogger that I only discovered today named QueerRadical who won the Westword award for best activist blog. Only one day into the posts and I’m impressed.  I like the queer-friendly advice that is given and the intelligent look at books, politics and media.
  2. I was quite pleased to find this website today called 25 Things about My Sexuality which is a fascinating read.  It may take me a while to get through all these different posts, but so far I love the candidness of the revelations.  Gotta say there is some freedom in anonymity and yet, a lot of those posts are so similar to what I would say about my sexuality.   Shows we have more in common than we might think in both our heartbreaks and our triumphs.
  3. The folks over at Cracked.com never fail to entertain.  This article about 5 Ridiculous Sex Myths from History (you probably believe) is fucking priceless.  Not just because it’s entertaining, but because it’s illuminating about the arrogance of later generations to think we are the most sexual of history.
  4. A great event for a great cause, check out the Build-a-Bear fundraiser hosted by the Denver boys of Leather.  Something about hot men in leather with cuddly bears that makes me all gooey and happy.
  5. Lately I’ve been dismayed by the number of people who have been treating relationships with disdain and cynicism (in fact, I’ve been so disillusioned by cynics that I’ve added them to the limit list).  But I love this view of marriage brought to us by Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations with God).  Yes, I am an unabashed fan of Mr. Walsch and his vision for humanity, but I was honestly moved to tears by this particular writing, which encourages us to view marriage and/or long-term commitment in a relationship as an act of witnessing for that person.It’s about having someone there to witness our full selves, our story, our ups and downs and to affirm our value and existence.  That is what my marriages are about…and something I hope to share with you.

And I can’t say that I’ll be posting these things very often. I’m finding it difficult to use the WordPress dashboard and would welcome any different tool for blogging that might be available.

Trolling and exposing the “truth”

Okay, I know the last thing I should be doing is linking to an article written by daft, biased “reporters” for the organization Americans for the Truth about Homosexuality, but the following is just so fucking ridiculous that I had to make my response, snarky though it is.  Yes, it is feeding the trolls, but in some ways I feel it is my responsibility to publicly state some of my own truths and expose the opinions masquerading as facts meant to scare vanillas.

My comments are in red italics

A link to the article

AFTAH Writer Is Grossed Out by ‘International Mr. Leather’ Perversion-fest Hosted by Hyatt Regency Chicago

Already we can tell this will be a highly informative, perfectly balanced and well-researched article.  The use of the term “grossed out” is particularly useful in relating facts and “truth”.

WARNING: Highly Offensive and Graphic Images and Subject Matter

I have taken the liberty of removing the images, but not the subject matter.

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Content coming

You know, when you start a new blog like this, it’s always hard to establish your presence in the manner you originally envisioned.  Eventually the blog becomes something else.  Something beyond your own creation.

That said, here are my intentions with this particular blog:

  • To highlight sex-positive news and current events
  • To create a safe space for exploration of topics regarding sexual freedom including but not limited to: non-monogamy (poly, swinging, etc.), kink/BDSM/fetish, gender identity/fluidity, sexual orientation, sacred sex, tantra, LGBTQ rights
  • To discuss more personal topics, including my own journey in each of these areas
  • To promote the exchange of ideas that challenge the normative standard for sexual topics.

It may not end up that way.  There will be personal stories thrown in.  There will be political and religious discussion.  And it will probably all take on a life of its own.  But even though it’s a different world, I still find that I have something to say on all these topics and I only hope the visitors to this site find this voice valuable in the overall discourse of human sexuality.

It may be another week before I formulate an official “starting” post that has a true topic.  But stay tuned and feel free to drop a line to say hello.

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