17 days

17 days since my last post. My goal is to do a post once every two weeks, at least to start. To get myself back in the habit of writing again. So, I suppose I’m close to that goal with this post, although I’m not sure what value I can share today. 

 I had such high hopes for March. So many goals, so many aspirations.However, March had different plans for me.  The past few weeks have launched me into levels of stress that I have been handling rather poorly. Instead of working on creating and filling my space with wonderful dreams-to-come-true, I’ve been wallowing and escaping the realities of my life. 

None of this was more evident than waking up with a start worrying about money, property taxes, how to pay college tuition for my son and all the other little misadventures of my daily life. Add to that a few snow days where I couldn’t work from home and I’m feeling so far behind on life, on work, on my tried and true coping mechanisms that I just can’t see straight anymore and I’ve lost what motivation I had left. 

17 days can make a huge difference. I went from elation at the idea of going to StarFest, meeting my favorite sci-fI actors and friends, to feeling worn down, old and overwhelmed. 

I know in part it is the impossible demands of my job, the disappointments naturally associated with the work that I do. And it’s hard to not give into my Sagittarian tendencies to jump into the next new shiny thing that catches my attention and feels worthy of my time. I miss the freedom of running my own business, but demand the reliability of a steady paycheck to support my family. But I also know that I want to advance in my career and if I keep jumping around I’ll continue to land in low-level positions that don’t really allow me to shine. 
I had a promising relationship starting up as well, but that seems to be fizzling, in part because of the stress I’m under–he can’t relate. I feel the connection on a deep level, but I feel our everyday interactions don’t even scratch the surface. I barely know anything about him, his priorities, his goals, what he wants from life. And it’s impossible for me to remain attracted to someone as a potential without those things. 

17 days can make a huge difference. I am presenting at Rocky Mountain PolyLiving and I need to finish my presentation outlines. 17 days ago I was ready to dive in. Today? I’m lucky if I crack open the computer at all this weekend. 

The irony is that the same compassion fatigue I’m going to teach about is exactly  what is happening to me right now. I am burned out, tired, weak physically and mentally and not much hope of getting the relief or reward that I need. 
So the next 17 days will be a lesson in creating my own motivation, getting myself geared up and ready to move forward. Question is, I don’t know how to reignite the fire within to do all of that. 

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