Like many of us, I’ve been confronting some pretty ugly inner demons over the past few weeks: insecurity, imposter syndrome, and especially jealousy. The latter shouldn’t surprise me, but it perhaps stings more than the others do. Especially as someone who has been polyamorous for 18 years now, I’d like to think that I’ve “overcome” that emotion when sometimes it still feels like I’m overwhelmed by it instead. I’ve head to come face to face with the ways in which my jealousy has fed my insecurity, which feeds my imposter syndrome, which only feeds the jealousy to make me feel powerless in ever being “enough” for anything or anyone.

Whew. That was really difficult to admit.

I hate talking about jealousy. It isn’t just how it’s judged within my communities, it’s that it steals from my sense of security and leaves me feeling and looking smaller than I want to be. Jealousy forces me to admit that I’m allowing others to influence how I feel about myself. I’m allowing comparison, lack, judgment, and insecurity about others’ successes or joys to deprive me of my own. And for someone who prides herself on her transparency, compassion, and wild love, I am always ashamed when I notice that pernicious, angry knot of sludge of jealousy invading my senses.

Often, at least for me, jealousy, especially in relationships often comes from assumptions I make about my own value combined with a fear of abandonment. When I feel threatened by someone else’s happiness or success, it’s because I see it as confirmation of my own low self-worth like the universe is confirming that I’m not enough, echoing the same feelings of powerlessness that have haunted me all my life.

One of the most powerful tools I have found to deal with jealousy is simply to name the emotion that is activating it. When I view jealousy as an emotional engine warning light I can actually soothe it instead of inflaming it further. I trace back that warning light to its “sponsoring emotion”. For example, the jealousy I felt when I saw others more successful at a project than I was coming from insecurity about my intelligence and anger that they got more recognition than me. And when I finally speak those words out loud, I start to understand the source of that emotion has more to do with me than any of them.

When I speak those words, I’m better able to disarm the jealousy bomb threatening to act on my behalf. As I begin to dismantle it I usually find a fragile piece of myself at the center – one that deserves space for healing, to process the emotion. When we give ourselves space to feel soothing reassurance, we can heal ourselves, retaining our power instead of giving others the chance to hurt us with our own feelings. For when we feel secure in our own power, the more we’re able to understand that others’ happiness is no threat to our own.

That is a HUGE theme this week: WE ARE WORTHY! I’m still getting used to this deck (Tarot of the Divine), but already I’m impressed with its frankness. This week we get direct messages about how others’ jealousy impacts us as well as how much of our own we really need to resolve. The good news is that the more we engage with this process, the stronger we become to others’ jealousy of us.

See more below…

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Undercurrents & Final advice

The undercurrents point that the feelings of betrayal, to the heartbreaks that we have and will encounter all revolve around jealousy. Jealousy is a larger umbrella term for component emotions like anger, helplessness, sadness, fear, disappointment, and more. Too often, our jealousy is also driven by assumptions we’ve made about others – about their successes, about their love lives, and about their intentions. We must first encounter the jealous feelings we have – were we really betrayed or did we make assumptions only to have them proven wrong? Did someone else steal our joy or did we sabotage ourselves? When we deal with the underlying emotion that is masquerading as jealousy, we can begin to recognize that in others, sidestepping the sinister suspicions in favor of whole-hearted connection. Slay the jealous bitches with overwhelming warmth and acceptance.

As I mention, I deal a lot with insecurity, imposter syndrome, and the feeling that I’m not “good enough” for the various opportunities that come my way. This card is telling us that the biggest obstacles standing in our way aren’t put there by sneaky saboteurs who seek to take us down. No, our most dangerous barriers were put there by us, insisting on either proving ourselves or hobbling ourselves (sometimes both). Our own insecurities, self-doubts, and feelings of low self-worth are often what are ultimately driving those most pernicious of problems in our lives. The only thing that can really get in the way of all that go-getter energy is if, deep down we choose to give our power to the voice that says “I’m not enough” – see through the lies and self-deception – We Are Enough.

Blessing

May we find the courage to persevere even when it seems all is stacked against us. May we pass through loss and failure with the same truthful integrity and bold gratitude we have when we win and celebrate our successes. May we have compassion for jealousy without becoming enslaved to its exaggerated lies. As we move forward to build a new world, may we make time and space to feel our emotions with honesty and resilience.

I am with you always in love 💖

So may it be.

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