Like many of us, I’ve been confronting some pretty ugly inner demons over the past few weeks: insecurity, imposter syndrome, and especially jealousy. The latter shouldn’t surprise me, but it perhaps stings more than the others do. Especially as someone who has been polyamorous for 18 years now, I’d like to think that I’ve “overcome” that emotion when sometimes it still feels like I’m overwhelmed by it instead. I’ve head to come face to face with the ways in which my jealousy has fed my insecurity, which feeds my imposter syndrome, which only feeds the jealousy to make me feel powerless in ever being “enough” for anything or anyone.
Whew. That was really difficult to admit.
I hate talking about jealousy. It isn’t just how it’s judged within my communities, it’s that it steals from my sense of security and leaves me feeling and looking smaller than I want to be. Jealousy forces me to admit that I’m allowing others to influence how I feel about myself. I’m allowing comparison, lack, judgment, and insecurity about others’ successes or joys to deprive me of my own. And for someone who prides herself on her transparency, compassion, and wild love, I am always ashamed when I notice that pernicious, angry knot of sludge of jealousy invading my senses.
Often, at least for me, jealousy, especially in relationships often comes from assumptions I make about my own value combined with a fear of abandonment. When I feel threatened by someone else’s happiness or success, it’s because I see it as confirmation of my own low self-worth like the universe is confirming that I’m not enough, echoing the same feelings of powerlessness that have haunted me all my life.
One of the most powerful tools I have found to deal with jealousy is simply to name the emotion that is activating it. When I view jealousy as an emotional engine warning light I can actually soothe it instead of inflaming it further. I trace back that warning light to its “sponsoring emotion”. For example, the jealousy I felt when I saw others more successful at a project than I was coming from insecurity about my intelligence and anger that they got more recognition than me. And when I finally speak those words out loud, I start to understand the source of that emotion has more to do with me than any of them.
When I speak those words, I’m better able to disarm the jealousy bomb threatening to act on my behalf. As I begin to dismantle it I usually find a fragile piece of myself at the center – one that deserves space for healing, to process the emotion. When we give ourselves space to feel soothing reassurance, we can heal ourselves, retaining our power instead of giving others the chance to hurt us with our own feelings. For when we feel secure in our own power, the more we’re able to understand that others’ happiness is no threat to our own.
That is a HUGE theme this week: WE ARE WORTHY! I’m still getting used to this deck (Tarot of the Divine), but already I’m impressed with its frankness. This week we get direct messages about how others’ jealousy impacts us as well as how much of our own we really need to resolve. The good news is that the more we engage with this process, the stronger we become to others’ jealousy of us.
See more below…
Where we are this week
Knight of Swords
We have proven ourselves to be fierce warriors of spirit. We have faced and overcome so many obstacles through our tenacity and our rationality. We’ve been grounded in the earth for so long, that it’s finally time to unleash our energy to fight for the future. We are challenged to go confidently in the direction of our dreams with courage and intelligence. This isn’t the time for impulsively charging forth, but rather discernment, purpose, and confidence. The Knight of Swords channels his energy into the greatest strategic advantage. We already know what needs to be done, this is the signal to actually start doing it.
Fighting for the Future.
Messages from our Guides
Five of Swords
It isn’t very often that my cards give me warnings about betrayal and deceit, but this week, there’s no other interpretation. There are forces of manipulation still working in our lives. If we are going to be the “go-getters” this week, we have to watch out for those who are ready to steal our victories out from under us. Likewise, now is a good time to address the hard feelings we have for victories we felt have been stolen from us in the past. Remember that the motivation of most people who use manipulative tactics is driven by their own fears of loss. When we take the time to process our own disappointment, grief, and anger about our losses, the less likely we are to choose to do to others what was done to us – this is what makes the difference between survivors and victimizers.
Survivors, not victimizers.
Messages from Lady Gaia
Seven of Wands
If the weather was any indication over the past week, we’re going to need to find ways to persevere together. The material world that we live in isn’t easy and we’re being asked to continue putting in the work even if it feels futile, even if it seems menial and small. It all makes a difference, but we have to continue to show up and give our full effort. We can’t let up just because it’s’ gotten hard or we don’t see the immediate results of our effort. We have to keep going and soon we’ll see just how much we can pull off together.
Enduring what will come.
Messages from our Ancestors
Three of Cups
How many of us come from families and cultures that frown upon celebrations, no matter how small or how big? How many of us have been socialized to believe that celebrations are akin to selfishness? Our ancestors are raising a glass in our honor, giving us permission to celebrate our accomplishments, giving us permission to make merry with friends, even if it’s just to celebrate being out together again. Our ancestors remind us that not only do we deserve to commemorate special events, anniversaries, and accomplishments, but to also show up for others to celebrate theirs. We need to make merry with our people – this is what makes life worth living.
Giving ourselves permission to celebrate.
Messages from our Future Selves
Three of Swords
Our future selves are reminding us that no matter how rosy or promising our future may seem, we won’t be immune from heartbreak. We cannot be happy 100% of the time. We will face sadness, betrayal, hurt, and failure; these is all essential experiences of being human. It’s inevitable that no matter what kind of world we make, we will say goodbye to loved ones, opportunities, and ideals. No matter how good our lives will be, we need to recognize that sometimes we’ll still swing and miss and sometimes we’ll still fall flat on our faces. These things don’t change just because we made a better world. So in our vision of ourselves, we need to integrate and level up how we choose to process these emotions, and how we choose to move through these experiences with honesty. We have so much goodness coming for us, but remember to make room for recovering from the heartbreak that comes with being human.
We cannot escape heartbreak.
Message from Mother Mary
Four of Cups
When we look at the pattern of our lives, we always find patterns where we keep getting drawn to the same old options. We go for what’s known even if it’s bad for us in the long term, such as dependence on substances or experiences to avoid feeling our emotions. Sometimes we have to make the hard decision, the difficult choice, that is less attractive, less certain, less rewarding, in order to make ourselves worthy of our dreams. If we continue to be stuck in ourselves, in our heads, and in our comfort zones, we will never be able to experience the exquisite joy of a better life.
Stop rationalizing bad choices.
Eight of Wands (R)
Look, it’s Mercury retrograde. We are all coming across interruptions, delays, and roadblocks to our momentum. And so, even though our Knight of Swords energy is raring to go, make room in our strategy to switch gears if we need to. In fact, use the energy of suspended locomotion to your advantage. Just like a superhero with super speed, we can use the slow-motion and rhythms of others to weave better safety nets for ourselves. Use the gift of the 3rd eye to see the space between the raindrops to find opportunity.
Undercurrents & Final advice
Queen of Coins
Don’t be like those jealous bitches.
Insecurity is our biggest obstacle.
The undercurrents point that the feelings of betrayal, to the heartbreaks that we have and will encounter all revolve around jealousy. Jealousy is a larger umbrella term for component emotions like anger, helplessness, sadness, fear, disappointment, and more. Too often, our jealousy is also driven by assumptions we’ve made about others – about their successes, about their love lives, and about their intentions. We must first encounter the jealous feelings we have – were we really betrayed or did we make assumptions only to have them proven wrong? Did someone else steal our joy or did we sabotage ourselves? When we deal with the underlying emotion that is masquerading as jealousy, we can begin to recognize that in others, sidestepping the sinister suspicions in favor of whole-hearted connection. Slay the jealous bitches with overwhelming warmth and acceptance.
As I mention, I deal a lot with insecurity, imposter syndrome, and the feeling that I’m not “good enough” for the various opportunities that come my way. This card is telling us that the biggest obstacles standing in our way aren’t put there by sneaky saboteurs who seek to take us down. No, our most dangerous barriers were put there by us, insisting on either proving ourselves or hobbling ourselves (sometimes both). Our own insecurities, self-doubts, and feelings of low self-worth are often what are ultimately driving those most pernicious of problems in our lives. The only thing that can really get in the way of all that go-getter energy is if, deep down we choose to give our power to the voice that says “I’m not enough” – see through the lies and self-deception – We Are Enough.
May we find the courage to persevere even when it seems all is stacked against us. May we pass through loss and failure with the same truthful integrity and bold gratitude we have when we win and celebrate our successes. May we have compassion for jealousy without becoming enslaved to its exaggerated lies. As we move forward to build a new world, may we make time and space to feel our emotions with honesty and resilience.
I am with you always in love 💖
So may it be.
Specializing in readings for LGBTQ+, non-monogamous and “it’s complicated” situations
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I offer A VARIETY OF READINGS & REIKI SESSIONS including:
- Reboot relationship(s)
- Check-in with the body’s chakras
- Uncover hidden talent & treasure
- Clear emotional blockages
- Channel messages of Divine Love
- Step up as a leader
- Harmonize past lives