It’s time to channel our courage into taking the first step: showing up.
Soooo…..my week was sort of a shit show. How was yours? 🤯😱
In all seriousness, all year long I’ve been feeling this ongoing trend to deal with deeper matters of the heart, the knots that have been constricting the flow of love in my life. I’ve been healing battle wounds that have kept my husband and me hypervigilant for nearly the entirety of our twenty-year marriage. I unlocked painful stories from exes that calcified into a block on all sensual connections. Warrior moved in and we’ve been tentatively trying to find our daily and weekly rhythm, which for a while had been the only thing that could ground either of us. But most of all I’ve been confronting how sexual trauma made me an enemy to myself (see my Spider Queen series).
The hardest relationship for us to heal is the ones we have with ourselves – our shadow selves. These are the parts of us that were either siphoned off, discarded, minimized, repressed, oppressed or rejected for us to fit into the society we live in now. They’re maladaptive, ugly reflections of who we really are. We keep distorted mirrors of denial up around our internal house of our mind. Conveniently accepting what we want the mirror to show us: the goodness we’ve convinced ourselves of, and the false flaws we wildly spin up our defenses to project.
This week I know I wasn’t the only one who felt the sting of old patterns, the whiplash of angst invade my week. That it was my birthday week was notable, but so many others are feeling the same thing. It has taken two years of arduous shadow work to get to this point. And while my birthday depression swirled around me last week, I am so grateful for the messages that we received – it might have been the only anchor I had to truly feel the love being offered to me. All I had to do was have the courage to show up to receive it. So why is that the hardest thing to do?
While I have written passionately about the Spider Queen part of my shadow self, I have been very slow to integrate her into my life. I still keep a barrier between us – not a boundary – a plexiglass wall. And despite all the number of times my guides tried to get me to engage there, I just wouldn’t truly face her. I internalized all that blame, all that shame, finding myself unworthy no matter how many compliments I received – I pushed them all away, convinced that no amount of good could undo the bad I felt inside. I have pushed love away over and over to do what? Prove that I’m repentant enough? That I’m not weak enough to be distracted? That I was willing to sacrifice the very thing I’m fighting for to reclaim some ambition informed by misogyny, white supremacy, or capitalism? Patriarchy was still scapegoating her through me. I was hurting myself over and over so. This had to stop.
Sharing with the world these painful stories of my past has seemed foolish to some, but each and every time I find a way out of my darkness, after all the times I’ve backtracked, side-quested, and respawned at the beginning, I want my life to the survival guide that helps you through when that moment of shadow and darkness come for you. I want you to know that I faced similar perils in my spiritual journey. Because as many people as tell me that I’m strong and victorious in their eyes, I need them to see that what was happening behind the scenes wasn’t any different than what they are facing. I’m not special, I just happen to be foolish enough to walk into the unknown, a scout who will build the first bridges you’ll cross on your way to your own exploration. That is it. That’s me and why I’m here.
And the messages this week, delivered by the Housewives’ Tarot feels appropriate for all the seasonal celebrations we’ll be seeing around the world over this solstice and holiday time. This deck has a take-charge, no-nonsense cheekiness that just feels so refreshing as Chiron turns direct in the sign of Aries. As we see there’s some more pressure that is going to build up, but soon we’ll have the momentum we need to execute our plans. The time for the wallowing is over, we have to find the motivation to show up to finally do the work we’re here to do.
Where we are this week
Queen of Wands
Solar Plexus Chakra
I identify strongly with the Queen of Wands. She is an independent thinker, a passionate do-er, and a dazzling star of the show. But for all her warmth and generosity, she is also the most likely to kick you in the ass to get your spirit into high gear. She is about achievement, accolades, and grit – she doesn’t sit by the side likes, she leaves it all on the field. That’s what’s being asked of us, especially this holiday season. Because while we have had some major darkness to deal with, we need to remember that others are still depending on us to show up and glow up. And instead of wallowing in our wounds, the Queen of Wands urges us to get up, put our grown-up panties on and start getting to work to make our vision a reality.
Messages from our Guides
Page of Swords (R)
I always have trouble with the Pages, partly because of the way I was trained in Tarot, I’ve been taught to view it as “younger” energy, more about communication than action, like the town crier shouting the good news. Today I view them more like interns – eager, ready to work, the banner bearer for my cause. Here, the Page of Swords thinks he’s helping by running around with scissors, snipping at every string of connection he finds. He’s like the mystic gurus who all “disconnected” themselves from humanity’s collective and led their followers into believing that Trump and the Insurrection were good things. The world is sharp and so he wants to clap back but only hurts others in the process. The sharp edges of the world require our care, not our reckless reactions. We need more sweet and less sharp.
Messages from Lady Gaia
Three of Pentacles
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be recognized for a job well done. In fact, Mother Earth applauds our recent successes in our work, our home life, and the furtherance of our craft. What we put out into the world right now matters but not to the exclusion of others. Today’s cards reinforce that we are but a part of a bigger whole. And if we’re chasing fame, it will be short-lived. Only when we contribute our true talents, including our passion, our failures, our joys, and our lessons learned to the whole can we truly be strong as a people. You have something significant to contribute, but is the desire for immediate recognition causing you to give up before you see the masterpiece we’re creating together?
Messages from our Ancestors
A powerful move
Solar Plexus Chakra
What qualifies as a power move in the spiritual realm? Staking our claim of sovereignty while balancing the sovereign rights of others. Our ancestors this week advise us to be mindful of what we do with power. Because it isn’t just our own sense of sovereignty aka. self-determination/freedom that matters, it’s the experience of it for others. An unlike what our world might tell us about the source of real power, it’s truly about being able to stand firm in your truth and fight for the right of others to stand in theirs. That doesn’t mean absolutism, but rather collaborative approaches that recognize the duties and rights we collectively hate.
Messages from our Future Selves
Two of Cups
Love is truly on the way, not just for our personal lives, but for the world around us. Taking a cue from the messages last week, this card shows us that when we are acting from the heart instead of ego we invite so many more blessings. So instead of constructing artificial barriers between us and others, we can instead offer a new glimpse into ourselves, see the sparkling newness of first love in another’s eyes – what form that love takes will organically grow on its own…if we allow it. The primary message this week is to let go of the need to control how, when, or why new relationships enter our lives. We cannot control another’s heart any more than we would want someone else to control ours. So, just let go and allow it to happen as it was meant to.
Knight of Cups
Who else had to take a bit of a leap of faith with the card above to believe that new love is coming into our lives? And as usual, arriving with the cheeky, sarcastic reminder is Mother Mary reminding us that often we are poisoning our hopes with our anticipated disappointment. By deciding ahead of time who is and isn’t worth our attention, and by smashing sour grapes during the first few dates, we are poisoning the well, signaling to the universe that we’re going to find a way to keep ourselves lonely. Intentions that are imbued with the bitter taste of disappointment will consistently always fail to deliver. We cannot expect good things to come of our unresolved anger, passive-aggressive resentments, or formulaic pick-up lines. We have to stop poisoning our hearts against love.
Undercurrents & Final advice
That we each have been going through our own mini death’s this year is not surprising to anyone. We each have had to face our shadow selves, the parts of ourselves that we thought had died, but instead have been puppeteers in the corners of our lives, jerking us around from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. We need and deserve peace – but sometimes, the only way to achieve that is through the death of our old beliefs, and our old proud personalities. Those old points of pride might now feel like a costume rather than an identity. For me, the death card is always more about the death of an ego identity than the death of structural paradigms. Much can be gained in surrendering to the source and allowing these cycles to play out. For only in the death of these old egos can we make a way to transform ourselves into the heroes our future needs?
Six of Cups (R)
There is a shared nostalgic memory of selling lemonade on the corner in the summertime. We each have a picture in our minds of some impossibly cute kid with a glass pitcher full of home-squeezed lemonade and a cardboard sign on a table with numbers and a cents sign. It is a quintessential American folk tale of entrepreneurship where presumably little Johnny or Suzie there will graduate to mowing laws and babysitting (according to their socially accepted gender assignment). We all have this shared image, but how many of us truly have this as a memory? I don’t know about you, but my mom didn’t trust me with a glass pitcher, and sitting in the hot sun sorta sucked.
This is all to say, especially as we approach the holidays this week, don’t let the false nostalgia distract us from the real memories that we are here to create in the here and now. Not only are many of those memories more like collective fairy tales, but often we use those fairy tales to shame the memories we do have as “not good enough”. We are asked to untangle our roots from the collective wishes planted by media or the bad memories of childhood so we can live in the here and now, setting down roots with new families who truly are there for us.
During this Solstice week, as our hemisphere plunges into the longest of the darkest nights, may we emerge from the confusion and uncertainty of our own darkness with wonderous, loving ease. May we re-enter the world ready to take on the challenges ahead, including, but especially the acceptance of our full selves. Give us the courage to channel our truth to rise up and become part of a larger movement of loving justice and compassionate honesty. Open our hearts to become the heroes our world needs most while sharing our passion with grace and gratitude.
So may it be. I am with you always in love 💖
My Birthday Wish!
💖 ❤️🔥 🔮
Last week was my birthday! I can’t believe I’m saying that out loud given my history – I turn 45! It would be an honor to have you join me for this wild journey of mid-age gorgeously geeky poly bruja magic I want to weave through my Patreon:
Temple of the Rose Gold Heart
All Patreon members get access to this reading a in advance. a preview which might include videos, behind the scenes photos or raw first impressions.
Patrons also get access to a “choose your own adventure” card I pull from each of these decks to end our week – a special message just for you!
Other tiers include access to archived writings, moon posts, behind-the-scenes and special excerpts of my works in progress. Join during the month of May and get a free email reading!