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Afraid of Abundance

ImageA while back I had started a blog called “Love Priestess”.  It was a name I came up with shortly after I was outed because I felt my particular message, my calling in the world was better served from the perspective of a Priestess of Love.  Back then my partners and I were actively engaged in what we called a Love Movement.  Even though all of us have gone our separate ways, I believe with my whole heart that we each are pursuing that movement in our own particular ways.  Yet, my way has always been a bit unclear to me.  Love Priestess fit at the time, but I haven’t been grasping the full potential of what it can be and more importantly who I can be.

I am blessed in so many ways.  In particular I have a knack for romantic and intimate interpersonal relationships.  They have always come easy to me.  I’ve never been in a position where I’m “looking for love” or “waiting for the One”.  I have blessed that those opportunities have always shown up on my doorstep rather magnificently.  And each experience, each lover, each blessed being in my experience has been beneficial to my life.  Even the ones who have hurt me.  Each person I’ve encountered, each person I’ve shared myself with, including these partners who created this Love Movement together, has had an impact on my life.  And if anything my life has been characterized by the relative ease I’ve had in embracing transformational shifts in relationship dynamics.  A really fancy way of saying I flowed so easily with relationships that I always counted it as my most abundant blessing.

But something changed about 3 or 4 years ago that kept me from fully embracing the abundance that was being offered even in this relatively easy part of my personal life.  I used to attribute it to any number of factors and triggers from being hurt by a messy break-up or “growing up” or gaining weight or whatever seemed to excuse my feelings of sadness and disconnectedness. I was no longer welcoming of that abundance of joy, pleasure and shared oneness.   And even though I’ve blamed everything and everyone (especially myself for that), I couldn’t really get down to what was at the root of it all.

As some of you know I’m in the process of studying for the bar exam in my state.  I have my law degree and I want my license.  Yesterday, while on the phone with my husband I realized what I want to do to once I have my license and how I want to craft my life and my career.  It’s actually not that far off from Love Movement as we might think.  I have always wanted to change the world, but I finally have a way of making it happen…and forging a new path for law, policy, relationships, conflict, and acceptance of self.  I haven’t fully fleshed out the idea yet, but I know in my heart that it’s what I’m meant to do.

But to do it, I’m going to have to consent to be in the spotlight.

That terrifies me.  I have this image in my head that in order to accomplish what I want to accomplish, what every cell in my body is demanding of me, I am going to have to allow the spotlight to shine on me.  Each time the spotlight has swung in my direction over the years I’ve run away, escaped and hidden in the shadows.  The shadows, the darkness is a safe place for me.  I shine brighter in the shadows.  But eventually if I want to create the transformation I want…and if I want to be able to do it my way, I am going to have to finally consent to remaining in the spotlight.

And the spotlight is where my abundance lives.  It is where the abundance that I once enjoyed in multiple relationships went to reside.  It’s been drawing me there.  The richness and fullness of my emotional, physical and mental life is waiting for me.  I only have to overcome my fear enough to enter that circle.  I have to be brave enough to let the light cascade down my body, exposing my soul and my life, my love and my vulnerability…because ultimately those are my strengths and that is how I can lead, can transform, can create.  While I will always be comfortable working with the shadows, I cannot and must not dwell there.

Instead, my work, indeed the world I want to live in requires me to step fully into the light and to be seen and heard, to learn from others and lend my aid to those still lurking in the background, held back by their fear, guilt and shame.

This is my Love Movement.

Three things to do before the end of 2011

I’m not a doom and gloom sort of girl.  Never been good at that.  Sure, I can see a storm coming like anyone else.  I’m not blind.  But I’m also not the type to panic needlessly.  Or at least that it is my aim.  I got an email the other day with these words “Three things to do before the end of 2011”.  A spiritual lifehack.  I’m down for that. But the timeline bothered me.  Before 2011 ends.  What if I don’t turn in the assignment on time?  Will I miss the spiritual woo-woo bus to salvation?  What if I fail?!  OMG panic.

*Let’s conveniently ignore that I used the term “OMG” in print.  Eww*

Anyway, it directed me to this site and briefly described these three things:

  1. Align all your energy and commitment to your biggest dream
  2. Step into your Soul Purpose
  3. Move forward from your wholeness, not your fears

While the site does offer insights into what the author believes is a massive transformation of spirit and global energy (which I do not dispute) the steps are so simple, so attainable, so easy that I wanted to go into a little bit of detail about what it means to me and why I think the time couldn’t be better for us to start applying these principles to our lives.  Read the rest of this entry

Taking the risk

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This past week I gave notice at my job. I had intended to be better prepared, better settled before doing that. But you know, I think that when you are taking a risk on your own happiness, your own life, there is no amount of preparation that is possible.

See, my dream is to work for myself. Simply put. I can’t stand having people look over my shoulder critiquing every last thing I do. I can’t stand having my day to day so scrutinized and judged by co-workers. But more than anything I don’t think there is a job out there that will make me happy. The only job that can make me happy is the one I create for myself. The one where I am a consultant and private practitioner of the trades I know best.  And truth be told, I know quite a bit. Even though my resume reads like a 14 year old who can’t figure out what she wants out of life, I have a great deal of experience that delves deep for short periods of time and I have the ability to learn new skills quite quickly.

But I’ve never been known for doing things the easy way…or even the conventional way. Clawing my way to the top stopped being interesting during grad school. I don’t have dreams of being successful in any of the socio-normative senses, but in being discerning as a leader and a community wise woman. That is my picture of success. And most people can’t seem to make the two jive together in their pre-ordered little career centers.

I am a wise woman. I am a woman of thoughtful action and wise counsel. I am a woman who touches lives and make differences for people. And honestly, it is time I find a way to be able to support my family with those talents.  And until we find a way as a culture to reward compassion, depth and wisdom, I will have to make my own way.

Here is to releasing the familiar.

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