The past month has been disruptive on a deep level for me. I am very proud that I know who I am. It’s one of the most obvious things about me that everyone sees – I’m self-possessed, I know my own mind and even when I’m scared, I still speak my truth. And yet, this past month, I’ve been humbled by all that I didn’t know about myself – or rather, all that others know that I refused to believe.
For a long time I’ve carried deep doubts about my intelligence. Whether those doubts were inspired by imposter syndrome or were a symtom of it, I spent an inordinate amoutn of time perfecting things that never needed perfection while beating myself up for those moments where I knew I had not done my due diligence. I always thought that becasue I can see patterns quickly that I was skipping steps that others were taking. I never felt like I could meet my own standards – which then made me question my judgment, which others took advantage of.
This week I learned that much of what has been holding me back intellectually is an overcrowded “working memory”. My brain has been so overwhelmed with working out 20 different ways to keep myself safe in any given situation, that I have limited memory available to complete the tasks in front of me or retain useless information that others seem to store so easily. And when I chose to see that my intellect didn’t suffer from imposter syndrome, but rather had more than its fair share of stress hormones and disruptive memories to fend off, I started to regain some of my confidence again. And when I started to remember my value as a thinking woman again, I started to realize just how easily others made me question it.
My training as an attorney has fine tuned my ability to see trouble on the horizon. We’re trained to look for problems, holes that haven’t been considered, gaps between intentions and words. So when I saw problems, I rightfully raised the alarm bells. Too often in my career the response was “you’re just too sensitive” or “you’re overreacting”. Whether it was becasue I was a woman or an empath or a Latina, I’ll never really know, but I know that each and every time I took it personally. And yet time and again, as I and others have learned the hard way – I was also usually right to have been concerned.
This week I learned just how much of my life has been influenced both by trauma and the skills I’ve developed to cope with that trauma. I’ve pushed most of my healing into healing others, allowing others to see through my works how they are not alone in their wounds or in their resilience. Too often, I was alone and had to develop an early warning system to keep myself safe, to see ten steps ahead, to understand the consequences of every single action or inaction. To stay safe, I had ot learn how to recognize unspoken communication, how to sense a change of mood in the air. That this is a skillset earned from trauma is undeniable, but that doesn’t lessen the importance of the intuition I’ve developed to keep me and others safe.
I had to listen this week about how important it was that I have come this far, through all of that trauma, to stand here and continue to live and declare my truth. It’s important that I developed the skills of a heart-centered leader because I had to stitch my broken heart back together after people and systems kept tearing it apart. It’s important that I stand here today as evidence that we can go thorugh the worst that life has to offer and that we’re as resilient as the diamonds that form in the earth. We are magnificent gems of humanity that deserve to be seen, heard and respected.
But first, we have to choose ourselves. We have to choose to change the stories of our past from ones of sorrow and woe, to ones of triump and redemption. We aren’t here by accident. We aren’t some fluke of nature. We are the strong ones who survived, who have something valuable to give. We are the core of humanity that has been through it all and knows what needs to change in our world for the better.
None of us want others to go through what we went through and so it’s critical that we choose to tell the stories of our survival, the stories where the duty to our higher selves mattered more than any written law or religious tenent. We need to overcome the temptations of indecision and declare for the world Who We Really Are.
The Fantastical Tarot is one of the sharpest, meanest decks I have in my possession, one of my favorites. Brutal in its honesty, this deck offers the kick in the pants we need to get away from old patterns and instead boldly grasp for a new future.
See more below…
Where we are this week
6 of Cups
As we have been stripping things away what we don’t need out of our identities and circles of influence, it’s only natural for us to want to look back with sentiment and nostalgia for what is no longer able to come forward in our lives. Just because we’re done with that old relationship doesn’t mean we can’t look back with fondness for what it was at the time for us – for joyful moments. Likewise, for our families or faiths of origin – what we were taught to believe or practice – we might hold some nostalgia for traditions that we once had. The key is to not let out nostalgia fuel indecision. We can peacefully coexist with the past without having to relive it or repeat it.
Nostalgia without influence.
Messages from our Guides
Seven of Cups (R)
Not to put too fine a point on it, our guides also warn of indecision. While our past can restrict us in terms of aguín flocked in old versions of ourselves, our present is threatened by almost too many options. How quickly do we get turned from our path with some new threat or opportunity. The “any job is a good job” mentality often keeps us locked in roles or pursuits that are more like busy-work than an actual passion. How often are we dividing ourselves between too many options- keeping ourselves open to opportunities that don’t quite match what we love but are “good enough”. We need to stop sending mixed messages to the universe and stop settling for “good enough” cups to put our passion into. Instead, let us direct our energies toward those things that truly fill us up, not drain us.
Indecision from too many options.
Messages from Lady Gaia
Ace of Wands (R)
This card, but it’s very nature is quite phallic. But I’m his one in particular even more so. And what I see this week from Lady Gaia is “down with the missiles of toxic masculine destruction”. This is a very deliberate declaration of ridding ourselves of the need to be dominant over others. Ridding ourselves of the coercive threats of violence that the toxic masculine demands of everyone in its path. Lady Gaia will not stand for it any longer and neither should we. The violence and destruction must come to an end or it will eliminate us all.
Dismantle weapons of toxic masculine destruction.
Messages from our Ancestors
Two of Swords (R)
The wisdom from our welcomed ancestors this week is that when we hesitate, decisions are made for us. When we don’t know who we are or why we want what we want, when we are locked in the indecision between desire and duty, eventually, the universe chooses a path for us. When we don’t make our vision known, when we can’t cut through the duty we feel to the desires of others, we abdicate complaint about the role we are given. Take control of our lives back in order to reclaim the magic we need most for our highest selves to thrive.
Why allow the universe to choose for us?
Messages from our Future Selves
The Fool (R)
How does fear and the traumas of our past influence our choices for our most audacious futures? Are we leaping with trust into the unknown air reluctantly crawling toward a timid hop into the certain realities? Our future selves ask us to let go of the past hurts and traumas and reclaim faith in ourselves. We have survived all that life has thrown at us. And yes, we’ve lived and learned but that doesn’t mean we can’t still continue to live fully and boldly as we were meant to.
The past can inform but should not inhibit the future.
Message from Mother Mary
Four of wands (R)
Normally I never interpret Mary’s cards as reserved because she integrates duality so well. But this week the reversed meaning of this card spoke to me. Always she wants to celebrate us and share in our joys. But this week she speaks with sorrow over a celebration that is coming that is either not so joyous, bringing out the worst in us, or is a sort of empty happiness, like getting something we didn’t really want. Whatever it is, listen to our intuition and feelings about the “good news” that might surround us which doesn’t actually feel good. If we want to see where we’re compromising our joy, abdicating responsibility for our vision, or blocking our faith, these feelings will point the way.
Beware of false happiness.
Page of Swords (R)
Is it logic or gaslighting?
Six of Pentacles
Abundance through sharing.
I see the Page of Swords reversed as that overzealous “critical thinker” who thinks he knows better than everyone else. He feels compelled to correct everyone if it doesn’t match with his experience. He clings to confirmation bias while humble bragging that he doesn’t have any biases at all. Yet, he cannot see that his methodology is itself a form a bias – by never considering others feelings and always projecting his own under a rationale of loose logic, he is making his opinions, his experience superior to others. Be aware of this tendency within ourselves (including an especially me) to lecture and finger-wag at others who haven’t had the same experience as us. There is room for everyone, but by inhibiting others with our projections of logic, all we do is make them question themselves. Are we just gaslighting them because we don’t want to see the truth, especially forms of truth that challenge usu
We each have a lot we can contibute to this world. Beyond our roles and the expectations placed on us – we each have time, talent or treasure we can share with others. The time of sitting down with a new mentee in our profession and sharing the wisdom we learned the hard way. The talent of sharing our expertise and skills for causes and messages that matter to us. The treasure of forgoing Starbucks today in order to donate $5 to charity at the end of the month. We each have more that we can give than we believe – and when we give what we have with openness and integrity, we signal to the universe that we welcome the same delivered back to us – making us all more abundant and secure in the process.
May this week confirm the truths that have laid deep within our hearts for too long. May we choose to see beyond the wounding of the past, resist the impulses to cling to violent ideals, and embrace a new, audacious future for humanity. As we shed the skin of the past may we tear away at the old stories that create barriers to experiencing the highest, greatest versions of ourserlves.
I am with you always in love 💖
So may it be.
I offer A VARIETY OF READINGS & REIKI SESSIONS including:
- Reboot relationship(s)
- Check-in with the body’s chakras
- Uncover hidden talent & treasure
- Clear emotional blockages
- Channel messages of Divine Love
- Step up as a leader
- Harmonize past lives