Once upon a time, I used to be a fabulously gregarious and outgoing person. I didn’t worry about being the life of the party. I didn’t obsess about what I wore. I didn’t worry about who would be there or what I might say to them. But over the years, there’s been a growing dread about social situations. Some of it was a shame about my alarming tendency to trauma dump on people. Some of it was embarrassment over my body or physical traits. Some of it was irritation and obsessions about the mistakes I’d make in front of others, like mispronouncing their names or not remembering to ask about their families.
But almost all of it is because I know I talk too much. Just like a tendency toward long blog posts, I have a tendency to be hyper-verbal, to interrupt when I find a new connection of commonality or correct misunderstandings. I know I talk so much that people can only take me in small doses. And I know I have to be reminded that I’ve gone over time whether it be in a meeting or with a therapist. And just like my old boss told me that I say too much when I write, I’m constantly afraid that the impulsively talkative chatter that falls out of my face will wind me in trouble quite innocently.
Somewhere in my life, I decided it was important to treat others the way I want to be treated. Golden Rule or some such thing, right? Whether good or bad, that’s manifested into becoming someone who gives others second chances. After all, I’m someone who knows what it’s like to be judged for a mistake, for a lapse in judgment, and has needed a second more than once to get things right. So why would I deny that of others when I too am not perfect?
As I did the reading this week and saw “in full bloom”, I felt emptiness for myself. Everyone around me got great news last week – new job opportunities, new partners, and even two friends announced the remission of their cancers. I am overjoyed for them, but unsure what being in full bloom really means for me. I’m not magically feeling better about social activities, just a little safer to be transparent about why I’m not showing up. I’m still apprehensive about loving anyone new. I’m still irrationally worried that I’ll be rejected because of little mistakes or that I won’t be generous and kind when others make them with me. It’s hard to feel like I’m blooming at all when I’m surrounded by red flags for everything.
That’s what trauma does, it makes us question ourselves and our progress. It makes it seem like I’m “breadcrumbing” when I’m literally just ducking for cover until the firestorms in my brain calm down enough for me to see the people right in front of me. I’ve damaged a lot of relationships and friendships this way and so my social anxiety also comes from the embarrassment and guilt that I’ve disappointed others because I was too engulfed in feeling unsafe that I couldn’t communicate that it had very little to do with them.
Even though I overbooked myself, this past week taught me that I can endure more than I thought I could. And that canceling my appearance at only one of those functions when I had a total of eight last week is pretty good considering that even one social thing a week was enough to wear me out when I was at my sickest. So you know what? These are tender first blossoms of healing in my life. Because more than success or relationships, I just want to be comfortable being around people again. And that…that is actually manifesting for me even though I didn’t recognize it at first.
And so this week’s spread reminds us to be open to new people and new opportunities that are coming our way, to be mindful of our shared innocence and humanity. We all deserve a second chance, especially as we start to embrace all of the manifestations coming to us right now. Be open, be aware. This deck, The Rose Oracle, is very subtle compared to all my other decks. But when we spend time really absorbing the imagery of these cards, we find the comfort and reassurance that we’re more than just a comeback kid, we’re fierce survivors worthy of the help and belonging offered to us.
See more below…
Where we are this week
The bloom
We are truly coming into our own. We’ve had a chance to practice setting and enforcing our own boundaries over the past few weeks. We’ve been doing our part to take the lessons to heart and we are starting to see the first tender blossoms of all that we had hoped to create. Even if all you see are the small beginnings of all that you’ve wanted, this is still a sign that we are indeed blooming. At the start of this week, we celebrate this moment of manifestation, of creation. Take this moment to truly bask in all that the universe is offering us: confirmation that all is possible.
Celebrate our lives in full bloom.
Messages from our Guides
Open
One of the hardest lessons I’ve been learning is allowing myself to open my heart again. As I’ve been healing and getting back into the world, I find I have to challenge myself to get back out there. I’m so resistant, so willing to recoil at the first sign of success, to reject offered romance, that I am quick to find reasons to say no to anything new, anything that might crack my withered heart open again. In the past few months, especially as I challenge myself to heal from surgery, I ask myself, “what if I said yes?” whenever presented with something that might stretch my comfort zone. I find safety in that question, reassurance in its cadence. Our guides offer the same suggestion – whenever we find ourselves resisting the gifts that are offered to us, instead of rejecting them out of hand, try asking, “what if I said yes?” and see what feelings come up. Perhaps you’ll find as I have that apprehension and exhilaration often feel similar. Perhaps then, we’ll find a reason to crack open our hearts and say yes to new adventures.
What if we said yes?
Messages from Lady Gaia
The Rose Garden
This week Lady Gaia is reminding us that we are one and we sometimes make innocent mistakes. When we recognize that we are all new to something, we leave more room for others to be new too. At the very beginnings of our journey, as we learn who we are, we might sometimes overgrow our usefulness in some areas while neglecting to nourish the parts of ourselves that are just starting to reach for the light. We need to watch the automatic, knee-jerk gatekeeping and remove barriers to belonging. Forgive the innocent mistakes we make, often from our ignorance, and give the benefit of the doubt when we can. We’re all just trying to grow here.
Remember our innocence and forgive.
Messages from our Ancestors
The Reunion
We are in a state of happy reunion, both with our ancestors, but also with our soul families. They are slowly starting to reveal themselves, like layers of veils slowly pulling away to reveal the ancient beloveds we’ve known all along. And just like any family reunion, it may be tense at first, it might reveal uncomfortable truths about us. Love expressed on a cosmic level can look like anything from a mother’s sacrifice to a lover’s tender words, it might be in the curt nod of a comrade or the lingering touch of a spouse. No matter what form our love takes when it arrives, cosmic love is about recognizing and healing the deepest truths about ourselves in order to become who we truly are. Embrace the coming waves of soulful recognition from both our bloodlines and our past lives.
Soul Families are coming together.
Messages from our Future Selves
The Fool (R)
What brings out the sunshine in us? What makes us leap for joy within, makes us come alive with bold vitality? This week our future selves ask us to reach for the thing that makes us come alive the most, to invest ourselves in that. For me, it’s having intense conversations that give me new ideas for my book, it’s about finding moments of inspiration and restoring authenticity to fuel the passion of my vision. This isn’t about monetizing our hobbies, but really looking at what kinds of quality experiences speak to us. Often called our dharma, this is about the deepest feelings of joy – like we could lose hours in this activity or experience. our future selves call us to give more of our energy to that which makes us burn brightest with the warmth of the sun.
What makes us burn brightest?
Message from Mother Mary
The Second Bloom
Society is fond of telling us, “This is your last chance,” holding an ax above our heads, making even simple mistakes seem like a high-stakes gamble. And yet, Mother Mary is here to tell us that she believes in second, third, and infinite chances. Even if it seems an opportunity has passed us by, the universe will always shift to give us another shot if that’s what we truly want. We can’t expect each opportunity to look the same as the last, so Mary invites us to truly understand our rationale if we’re rejecting opportunities just because they don’t look the way we expected them to. And likewise, consider giving other people a second chance too. That doesn’t mean giving abusive people new opportunities to hurt you, but it does mean not immediately dismissing someone just because they didn’t leave the best first impression. After all, the best thing about second chances is they might just surprise us in delightfully curious ways. (Pssst…what if we said yes to second chances?)
There are always second chances.
Final advice:
The Return
“Don’t call it a comeback we’ve been here for years…”
HEaling the Mother Line
Come to terms with the mother wounds we carry.
How many of us have been stalling our triumphant comebacks after the deep spiritual make-overs we’ve been going through? How many of us have been dragging our feet about those last loose ends of our healing, fussing over fraying nerves as if they’ll prove us a fraud? Many of us have been obsessing about the details for years and now, the undercurrent cannot be denied, we are ready. We are ready to tell a new story about ourselves, to align with the best and brightest of our healing. We might not be perfect, but if we wait until we’re perfect, what message are we sending to the people who need us? No, in fact, we need to emerge back into one another’s lives – each of us the magnificent survivors we are. Show the brilliant, resilient truth and all will find strength.
For this card to show up this week as we enter eclipse season, as we celebrate Beltane and Mother’s Day, I feel like this is a strong signal for us to delve into the wounds of our mother line. This is delicate, ancestral, shadow work. No matter how our mothers treated us, this was the first connection we had with another human being, sharing a body with this person. We felt their fear, we felt their joy, but were too young, too small, too innocent to know the complexities of emotion. And no matter how loving our mothers and maternal caregivers were, all of us bear some damage from previous generations that was enacted on us, whether consciously or not. Wounds created by patriarchy to confine women to a mother role or to force children to grow up too soon, we all bear evidence of this in our histories. The key right this week is to provide a compassionate ritual around identifying these wounds. That doesn’t mean we have to invite reconciliation with bad mother figures; it means we give our inner child the love we deserved while nonjudgmentally recognizing the pattern throughout our family’s history that caused the wound in the first place. We can give ourselves and our previous families the love they needed when the world told them otherwise. A gentle, loving release.
Blessing:
As we see evidence of our manifestations coming to life, may we give ourselves the sunshine and affirmation that we need in order to grow and bloom to our fullest. May we be mindful of our shared innocence and generous with our trust as we shine brightly. For only in our authenticity can we truly heal the reluctant, persistent wounds of our lineage so we can move forward to build a world of grace and love.
I am with you always in love 💖
So may it be.
Specializing in readings for LGBTQ+, non-monogamous and “it’s complicated” situations
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com
I offer A VARIETY OF READINGS & REIKI SESSIONS including:
- Reboot relationship(s)
- Check-in with the body’s chakras
- Uncover hidden talent & treasure
- Clear emotional blockages
- Channel messages of Divine Love
- Step up as a leader
- Harmonize past lives
La Madonna Rosa 